After having an in depth conversation with my six female homies about good and bad sex, I thought what a lark it would be to hear men talk about the same stuff. Consequently, I individually interrogated six of my many male friends and acquaintances. I came out of it (somewhat) pleasantly surprised!
Dan: Late 20s hippie boi. An open minded and slightly aloof fellow filmmaker friend. Bears close resemblance to Shaggy Doo.
Nick: Early 30s alpha Greek-Russian god. My old sound technician; a very arresting dark horse, whom I have tried (very hard) (and so far succeeded) to maintain a professional relationship with over the years.
Piergiorgio: Late 20s wee Italian guy. An old pal from university who once offered to supply me with his pasta recipes in exchange for pictures of my feet.
Magpie: Late 20s tough cookie Geordie pal. Music artist and Tupac enthusiast. An intense dude.
Joshua: Early 20s kid who was a couple of years below me in school and now works as an events manager. A sweetie in specs.
Mark: Early 40s man whom I only know via Instagram and through his incessant requests for me to deliver to him my used shoes. (I seem to attract foot fetishers). Quite a nice guy it turns out.
How would you describe good sex?
Hippie Dan: Sensual, like it builds. It lasts longer than 30 minutes (not just on the guy). Digging their forearm into my neck, biting their ear like I’m gonna rip it off, then smoking a doob after coming. Haven’t done a lot of gay stuff but I’ll write the second part of my thesis in a month’s time for you.
Alpha Nick: Stimulating and satisfying, with a responsive and compatible partner.
Italian Piergiorgio: Do it living in the moment, the present. When your mind and ego don’t exist and you and your partner can have fun and realise everything that turns you on.
Geordie Magpie: Good sex is when both (or more) parties have achieved climax. Because I have ADHD I also need it to switch up frequently; altering positions, tempo, trying new shit etc. otherwise my mind will start to wonder.
Sweetie Joshua: Tough question. As a generic guideline I’d say sex that both people enjoy, both people cum and both people getting that feeling afterwards of out of this world exultation. I think it’s just when two bodies work together.
Oldie Mark: Both respect each other, make it fun, and be open minded. If you don’t understand why your partner likes something, don’t dismiss it. Have a think. At least if it doesn’t hurt anyone or put you in risky situations. Give it a try. I like nice outfits and nice footwear to be worn during sex. Some think it’s fine, others think it’s weird.
How would you describe bad sex?
Hippie Dan: Drunk and quickly over. I’ve had good sex with people I’ve just met but looking back it was like playing an instrument- it was too one-sided. And when I’m in my thoughts a lot- I think too much and feel too little. Good sex is coming together.
Alpha Nick: The one that doesn’t turn on your head..if it’s bad I try to lead and make it good for both.
Italian Piergiorgio: I’ve never had “bad sex”… actually hmmm, I would say, when there’s no connection at all with the “partner” because you have to know what turns on the other one. So bad sex I would say is when you do not know your partner at all.
Geordie Magpie: I’d say bad sex is when there is one active partner. Sex is a dance, it has its own rhythm and if one of the participants or both ain’t fully into it then that’s definitely shit sex.
Sweetie Joshua: It’s hard to describe. You can have sex with some people and it just doesn’t work. It’s hard for either party to cum. They don’t sync up in motions whereas with other people it just works, the bodies are in sync the sex is great.
Oldie Mark: Feeling they just want it over with can be soul destroying.
What are your turn ons?
Hippie Dan: Being in it for each other. I like the principle of serving. Who was it that said sex isn’t about love, it’s about power?
Alpha Nick: Responsiveness, eye contact and mind games. Like an intimate game between the two that turns you on…I also like seducing her and making her wet first. That’s what makes me hard.
Italian Piergiorgio: I have a foot fetish. I love having a mistress, being a slave and worshipping a woman’s heels.
Geordie Magpie: I like it when women dig their nails in my back, scratch my back… biting- i love biting. It’s kinda vanilla but meh.
Sweetie Joshua: Kissing. I like when a girl is the brat type. It makes her dominant whilst still submissive.
Oldie Mark: I’ve had a thing for females in footwear since I was about 13. It puzzled me and I was embarrassed by it. I tried to hide it. But as I got older it got stronger. I like being under a woman’s boot. I got told I needed a mistress. So I paid to see one and hated it. I just enjoy it with everyday women. I’m a submissive who doesn’t necessarily look for a stereotypical dominant woman.
What are your turn offs?
Hippie Dan: Selfishness, lack of imagination, basic bitches.
Alpha Nick: Having a passive partner.
Italian Piergiorgio: When the partner is hmmm..“absent”.
Sweetie Joshua: Someone saying ‘daddy’. Anal. Someone being too absent, but on the other hand someone being too keen and pushy. Half interested and half not is kind of hot.
Oldie Mark: I used to take a shower before sex, if they didn’t it was fine, but if they smelt bad it would put me off. Selfishness. I have certain things I love a woman to wear, but they won’t. Whereas I will always wear, say, or do what the woman wants. One sided sex is a turn off.
Are you more dominant, submissive or neutral in bed, and why?
Hippie Dan: I think someone always takes charge. In a relationship I’d like to take turns. I feel like I have a duality in me. Or I’d have like an older strong woman, and a young flimsy thing on the side.
Alpha Nick: I like being both, but I guess more dominant. If I need to be submissive I can, it depends on the person, how we interact and what turns her on. I think I am more dominant because I like to make her come. So I take control and do everything I can to make that happen. As a Greek I am passionate, free-spirited and open. The way I fuck is influenced by where I came from, my upbringing and my character.
Italian Piergiorgio: Submissive but when I know that the girl likes to be “dominated” I can be dominant as well. I don’t know why I like to be submissive. I’m dominant in other fields of my life. I don’t feel comfortable trying to understand why I am the way I am.
Geordie Magpie: I can switch between both pretty easily… I don’t mind being dominant, it’s usually what’s asked of me but I also like getting my world rocked as a submissive, though I’ve only ever been a sub 5 times in my 29 years on this planet. Unfortunately mostly women ask me to be the Dom, I’ve had very little experience when sex has been completely neutral. As someone who grew up trusting nobody and having nobody trust me, I find being both dom and sub valuable.
Sweetie Joshua: I’d say more often than not dominant but in a more ‘loving and sensual/slow sex’ way. You know you have like hot, noisy, sweaty dominant sex and then like relationshippy caring, close dominant sex. I think I’m more dominant because I don’t like not being in control in most situations. Possibly my autism is related on that front. I do prefer to give the pleasure than receive though.
Oldie Mark: I’m submissive to the point where I feel the play should not end in sex. Being under their boots is as much as I deserve to get.. Maybe that’s why I stay single haha. I think I pick women who I know won’t want to have sex with me so I feel safe. Basically I don’t feel I’m worth it. Even though I treat women very well. The fact they don’t necessarily like me makes me feel safe. I think I’m like this because my step dad was abusive and I got used to the abuse.
What was the best sex you ever had?
Hippie Dan: Probably when I was 26. Just with some lil’ Tinkerbell type lass. I felt like I offloaded a lot of stress- I was very selfish with her but she liked it. Like I’d be tying her up and pinning her but she wanted it. She was always ready to go. It sounds selfish but it was really good for my mental health and relieving myself.
Alpha Nick: I have had lots of great sex. I was in a relationship for 7 years and the sex just got better and better. So probably that.
Italian Piergiorgio: The times when I was in love and therefore making love, and the first time when I was properly submissive.
Geordie Magpie: Probably about 15 years ago haha. When I was in Depaul, UK I got high as a motherfucker and had sex with a mate I had a friends with benefits deal with lol. We had a thing going for two years so there was a bond there and then the fact I smoked so much weed made everything feel so much more sensitive.
Sweetie Joshua: A 29 year old Swedish supply teacher. Met in heaven (Charing Cross). It was heavenly. Out of the world feeling. We met at like 2am? Slept together at about 4am. We were both keen. She had a great body and a great face.
Oldie Mark: It accidentally became the best sex ever. My ex was performing oral. She had a PCV skirt on. She sat on my face and once we were quite some time in, I found I couldn’t breath as the PCV had sealed around my face. I was about to push her up, but it was starting to feel so intense that I held on and came before I passed out. It made it so much more intense than normal and my ex said afterwards ‘fuck me, that was powerful’.
Have you ever (admittedly) had ‘selfish sex’ – where you weren’t attracted to the person, you simply wanted to get your rocks off?
Hippie Dan: Once I think. Many moons ago.
Alpha Nick: Yes. It’s called being horny. I have regretted it afterwards sometimes though. Not because I have used them- but you just have this empty feeling of disconnect and shallowness.
Italian Piergiorgio: Yes I have.
Sweetie Joshua: No.
Oldie Mark: I’ve had routine sex where I’ve done it for the sake of it and not because it was enjoyable.
On the other side, have you had ‘selfless sex’- where you weren’t attracted to the person, but you felt obliged to appease them and avoid making them angry/hurt?
Hippie Dan: Yes a few times, nearly threw up on them. They were so unhygienic but I knew if I said no they would cry or something.
Alpha Nick: No.
Italian Piergiorgio: Never. Sex like that for me is no sex. So if I don’t want to, I would say it (never happens so often)…
Sweetie Joshua: I’ve had sex with probably one person I didn’t find attractive. I did find them attractive when I agreed to it over Tinder, but when they arrived there was no attraction but I felt required to go through with the act, to not make the situation awkward.
Oldie Mark: Nope.
Is the physical feeling of sex more important than the emotional/mental energy shared with the person in the moment or vice vera?
Hippie Dan: I dunno I think being physically turned on mentally/emotionally turned on are one and the same.
Alpha Nick: No, it’s both. But hypothetically I would choose being turned on in my head.
Geordie Magpie: I’m demisexual so I do need that connection (romantic/sexual) to engage in sex. I often refuse sex if I feel that it’s just for the physical act of sex.
Sweetie Joshua: I don’t think an emotional connection- at least related to love is needed for good sex but it can help. I think for one night stands or fuck buddies I’d go for physical great sex and in a relationship I’d rather have someone who really turned me on mentally even if the physical sex was mediocre.
Oldie Mark: Say I think a person is OK but they live my fantasy out, and say a person is someone I find unreal looking but does just the basics. As much as the person is my dream woman, looks begin to play less a part over time. So I would always choose the person I find OK, who is happy to take me to my limits. As that OK looking person can soon end up looking stunning to me.
How important is sex to you? Do you need it often?
Hippie Dan: I crave it in certain scenarios. Since I’ve been working in this gay bar I’ve started craving it more. I think I’ve felt ashamed of things for a while. Shame eats the soul.
Alpha Nick: It’s quite important especially when you have a partner. Sex has gotten better and better for me as I’ve grown up, I think that happens to most people.
Geordie Magpie: It’s not essential but I feel I need it 2-3 times a week but I often compromise for those with higher sex drives, or lower.
Sweetie Joshua: I don’t need it. I had an ex who was asexual and we were together for three years. It was partly the reason that we broke up though. When I was mentally low, I sometimes felt it was my fault- that I wasn’t good enough or attractive enough. It was hard in a relationship not to have much because sex really is a shared showing of love and/or attraction.