However many mothers who warn you that having children will unalterably change you and your life, it’s easy to diminish the weight of their words and tell yourself you’re a 21st century girlboss who can handle it. The truth is that childbirth is still so under-researched and romanticised in modern day media that the full reality of it is often brushed over and undiscussed. My sister recently had a baby. I jumped at the chance to interview her for an unfiltered and honest account of her experience of childbirth.
We sit in the living room of my sister Amy’s South East London apartment drinking peppermint tea. It’s about 8pm and the sun is starting to weaken. The baby is nestled into her chest, finally starting to quieten after two hours of straight up shrieking. Soon I’ll be cycling home, and Amy will be putting the baby (and herself) to a well-earned sleep. Grant, my sister’s husband has nipped out for some shopping, so I decide this is good time to initiate our intimate conversation about her experience of yummy mummy life thus far.
How old are you?
29
When did you have your baby?
1 month ago. A boy! Named Laurie.
Is this your first child?
Yep.
How are you feeling right now?
Pffff. Pretty hot and sweaty and tired and milky. Really exhausted because I’ve been breastfeeding all day today. I used to look forward to going to bed so much, and now I just keep thinking, I’m not going to have that feeling any time soon…The nights are the worst.
Is the baby as all-consuming as you imagined?
Yes, and more. Okay fun fact- The amount of energy it takes to your body to produce breast milk for your baby for one day is the equivalent it takes to walk 7 miles. This is the type of shit I didn’t know about before giving birth! I also stupidly thought if I really needed a break I could breastfeed into bottles, and Grant (husband) could take the baby and I could go and see friends or whatever, but the issue is that after about 2 hours my boobs are full with milk and when they get full, they’re really painful and also it starts leaking. I guess I could take myself off to the bathroom and just feed it into a bottle whilst I’m out but it starts to feel like more trouble than it’s worth, and I probably wouldn’t be able to get it all out. Plus, my body still produces that milk no matter what, which takes up all that energy, so you’re just tired a lot.
So you are chained to the baby in a sense. Not only because the baby needs you, but because you need the baby to take the milk from you, I’d never thought of the latter part of that until now. There’s also something very beautiful about that though. Like sometimes I will just be looking at him feeding and think how precious the bond is- that I am giving him what he needs and helping him grow strong and he is relieving me from the discomfort. So it’s very special even though it’s exhausting. And it’s amazing because from birth they literally just know to crawl to the nipple. Like they know where it is instinctively. And your nipples during pregnancy go darker, and that’s apparently to help them see it- because they can only see very contrasting colours.
Do you feel like a ‘natural mother’ and very immediately attached in the way society expects all mothers to be?
I know many women suffer with depression after giving birth and feel detached, which I can understand. I’m lucky because I haven’t felt like that. I mean if you’re talking about love- I feel an overwhelming amount of love for him. It makes me emotional just thinking about it (she tears up). Sometimes I just look at him and cry with happiness. I have felt very lonely and isolated though. I didn’t expect to be so mentally and physically occupied to the point that all I can focus on is the baby. Whilst you’re breastfeeding, you have not much choice but to be with it all the time. And it’s just a little alien at this point, it barely knows what’s going on. So it’s obviously very one-way and can just get very lonely very quickly.
How long were you trying to have a baby for?
We tried for exactly a year. It was difficult.
Did it affect the sex you were having, once you were half doing it because you wanted to conceive?
Definitely. Not to start with. The first few months were fine, but then it starts to become a thing where you’re like ‘I’m not getting pregnant’ so then yeah as the months went on it was like, oh, god we’re going to have to do it, again. It was still enjoyable but it would take longer because we weren’t really feeling it. And then halfway through the year, I started using these ovulation sticks, where they detect when you’re ovulating, and I would get obsessed with it, so when it was positive, I would grab Grant and be like ‘We need to do it now.’ and he’d be like ‘I don’t want to do it right now!’ (laughs). So it was difficult. It would be harder for him to come, and most of the time I didn’t come and I wouldn’t care that I didn’t, unlike normally where I would make a point of it if I didn’t and ask to go again. There’s so much pressure on the guy to come, and the moment pressure comes into sex it can kill it. So it was hard.
Did you ever figure out why it took so long for you to get pregnant?
So it was primarily because I was on the contraceptive pill for ten years running, and it fucked up my hormones so bad that when I came off it I wasn’t able to have periods so I wasn’t ovulating, along with the added fact that Grant’s sperm wasn’t 100%, he had a few issues with that. Which came as a shock as well, because often as a couple you first question the woman’s fertility rather than the guy’s. I had to get acupuncture sessions and that helped me begin ovulating again. I literally had one period and then after that one I got pregnant. So after I had that period, at one point my ovulation stick was so positive, more than ever before, and literally knew it was going to happen. So we had sex like twice a day for three days. And lo and behold, I got preggers!
Would you ever go back on the contraceptive pill?
Absolutely not. I only now realise how much it messed my body up. It’s so unnatural. I would advise people, if they’re going to go on it, to only do it over shorter periods. Take breaks from it.
Did you find the struggle to get pregnant tested your relationship?
We were of course very supportive of each other throughout the whole thing. But it does make you feel shit. Firstly because all the experts sort of say that a baby is actually way more likely to be conceived when the sex is truly passionate, so it made me question our strength as a couple. And it’s the not knowing, at first we didn’t know why it wasn’t happening and you just start to feel hopeless.
Did you have sex during pregnancy?
We did, but not as much as I thought we would. I liked the thought of it, I definitely wasn’t scared to or anything. But then like in the first 3 months I had awful sickness like all day everyday so sex became a write off for that part. I remember saying to Grant, ‘Once this part’s over, we’ll get back on it, definitely!’ But then, I don’t know, after that, we tried, and sometimes we did do it but for me it just wasn’t enjoyable. I think for some women your sex drive goes up and for some it’s the opposite. For me I just wasn’t feeling it. And then once you have the baby, the last thing you want to think about is something going inside you, because you’re in so much pain. So I guess you’ve just got to work around it and do other things instead, really.
Was there anything that came with pregnancy, giving birth and taking care of the baby so far that has come really unexpected?
I never thought it would take so long, I guess you never think it’s going to be you. How bad morning sickness can be- for me it lasted all day and I just couldn’t do anything. And then the recovery. I feel like no one talks about how sore you are afterwards. I had to have stitches, and then I’ve had two infections, one from the stitches and one from breastfeeding and I didn’t see those coming at all. And even without the infections- physically it’s just a lot. I expected emotional exhaustion 100% but I didn’t anticipate physical exhaustion as bad as this.
How would you describe the way your body feels after giving birth?
Okay so there’s the boobs which, when they are full with milk, which is half the time, are so incredibly sensitive. Like in my morning shower, I literally wince at the feeling of the water hitting them. And the way your body changes is something you have to adjust to, so it’s just a bit much. And then in regards to down there- it felt like your vag has been hit by a bus, like a huge car crash. As if it’s been turned inside out. It was literally bruised as well and torn apart because I needed stitches. It was torn up to my clit and down to my anus. And at first it felt like there was a literal football up there. Like a horrible, painful gaping feeling as if the head is still right there. Then gradually it goes down, to like a tennis ball, and then a ping pong ball. Now mine’s really gone down, I can’t really feel it now after a month. And also, I feel like people don’t talk about holding the baby- even when he’s this small, if you’re holding him like every time he feeds, which is like every hour in my case, it can be quite exhausting. All through the night, all through the day. Like he’s pretty heavy! So backache. And then headaches from the tiredness. It’s a lot when you actually say it all!
Was there anything that you expected to happen that didn’t?
People said that the third trimester would be awful and I wouldn’t be able to move, but for me that part was actually fine. My mental health was fine also, whereas I know it can be a time for a lot of women where you can feel unstable or hyper emotional.
And after having the baby- has that part tested the relationship so far?
Yeah, because the baby’s crying, and you have to try and figure out what is wrong with it together. You have to work as a pair in a very stressful situation to solve it. You have to lean on each other a lot more, you’re suddenly a team trying to care for this other thing that’s entered the relationship. Because it’s your baby, it’s also emotional, you want to be good at it- so there’s pressure which can heighten tensions. Also we’re both together in this little apartment with the baby for prolonged periods of time. So yeah, of course we’ve snapped at each other. However, I’m so grateful to have him, because we are so comfortable with each other, and work well as a team because we run a business together. And he is so supportive- I have absolutely no idea how I would do this on my own. And you know me- I’m a do-er and pretty determined but I feel like it would be almost impossible without support.
Do you think Grant is taking the change well?
I think Grant is a bit shocked. I think he had an idyllic image of having the baby and still being able to do loads of stuff. I guess I kind of did as well. And now he’s realising. Grant loves having his own little moments of peace, so he’s struggling with that being taken away. The feelings of loneliness and isolation that I think many parents feel at the beginning are also heightened for us because of the infections that have made me basically incapable of leaving the house.
Do you want to have another baby soon?
See I always said that I wanted to get straight back on it. But the recovery time was a big shock for me. And also you can’t until your periods return. And apparently if you’re breastfeeding they can take longer to return. But yeah I would still like to have one after maybe a year or two.
In 3 words, how would you describe your experience of having a baby?
Exciting. Exhausting. Magical!
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
