When it comes to cheating, it’s hard not to buy into the clichés. “Men are more likely to cheat physically, while women are more likely to cheat emotionally,” or “Men are only as faithful as their options.” But let’s give men some credit. After all, they aren’t all just sex addicted animals who can’t resist the attention of a beautiful woman. I sat down with eight guy friends to see if they had ever cheated and why. While the majority of them had, their reasons for doing so varied greatly. Based on these discussions, here’s what I concluded to be the four main reasons why men cheat:
Wanting to Feel Wanted
At its core, the patriarchy reduces women down to sex objects and men down to piggy banks. As such, women are generally subjected to more scrutiny over their bodies and perceived level of attractiveness than their male counterparts. It’s far less common to see a man dating an objectively less attractive woman than it is to see a smoke-show-of-a-woman dating a not so-smoke-show-of-a-guy. Women are conditioned to derive their worth from their beauty, and by extension, the degree to which their partner desires them.
Of course, feeling wanted is about more than being physically attractive. Biological sex appeal is a major factor but there are also emotional and energetic levels to it as well. When I did shady shit in a past relationship, my partner lost trust in me, and therefore found it difficult to be intimate with me for quite some time. He was clear about the fact that he was still physically attracted to me, but had lost the ability to let his guard down and enjoy cuddling after I had betrayed him.
Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but men want to feel wanted too. There may not be as much pressure in the looks department, but there is definitely pressure for men to project a certain level of strength, stability, and power, as a woman’s attraction to a man tends to stem from a desire to feel protected and taken care of. As such, if a man feels his woman doesn’t respect him, he may seek validation elsewhere.
One of the only guy friends I reached out to who had never cheated offered the following insight: “A common refrain I’ve noticed from friends who have cheated is ‘I wasn’t feeling desired by my partner.’ Not to sympathize too much with cheaters, but I think we as a culture think of ‘wanting to be wanted’ as an aspect of feminine sexuality, but men 100% need that too and I don’t think everybody realizes that.”
Inability to Be Honest With Themselves
If we can’t be honest with ourselves, how can we possibly be honest with our partners? As one of the men I interviewed aptly put it: “Men cheat because they feel stuck. They lack the confidence to express the most uncomfortable aspects of their thoughts and feelings. I feel like a lot of men are just running from their thoughts and feelings anyways, because no one wants to embrace the discomfort or sit with it. Our whole society is geared around distractions that will prevent us from feeling the hard things or thinking about the hard things.”
In this rat race we call life, I see loads of people – men and women – who are incapable of sitting alone with their thoughts. Some use drugs or sports betting to escape, while others throw themselves into career advancement and fitness. We as a society condemn the junkies and the gamblers and put the workaholics and marathon runners up on pedestals, failing to acknowledge that all of these behaviors stem from the same thought pattern: “I am not enough and I need to fill the spiritual void within myself with something outside of myself.”
When it comes to men cheating on their wives in a sugar daddy / baby context, I’ve noticed that virtually all high achieving men are plagued by this “never enough” disease. Whether they rationalize their proclivity for cheating with claims that they are just sex fiends incapable of having their needs satisfied by any one woman, or they insist that they would be faithful to their wives if only they would fuck them more, there always seems to be a lack of accountability. They lack the self-awareness to realize that their insatiable need for pussy comes from something much deeper than testosterone.
To Sabotage a Relationship They Know Isn’t Working
More than one man I interviewed got real about the real reason they cheated: to expedite the sinking of an already sinking ship. It’s a pretty lame move to cheat on your partner so that they will break up with you, but I get it. I know women who have done the same thing. It’s honestly easier to be broken up with (especially when that’s what you secretly want) then it is to do the breaking up.
As someone who broke up with her first serious boyfriend over text before going off on a bender and fucking his best friend (as some twisted kind of assurance to damage things beyond repair), I know what it feels like to be a coward – to not be able to give someone the honest conversation they deserve. Hurting someone hurts, so we often find round about ways to hurt them in a way that’s less confrontational for us but more confusing and painful for them.
One friend confided that: “I only ever cheated when I was already one foot out the door. It was definitely a cowardice move to fulfill needs and wants that weren’t being fulfilled in my relationship. For the most part though, I was just being selfish and self important…a lot of self destructive stuff. Loneliness sucks enough. But feeling lonely while in the same room as a partner is a whole other level of pain.”
Another friend told me about how he had been pressured into a relationship and didn’t have the balls to tell her that he didn’t want to be in one: “I’d slept with a woman twice and the second time she burst out crying and was like ‘I just think we should try being exclusive.’ I reflexively said ‘yes,’ even though I didn’t think about if that’s what I wanted or needed. Then, I cheated on her the next day in some kind of immature way to blow it up.”
Feeling Shackled By the Confines of Monogamy
I go back and forth about the concept of monogamy – at least when it comes to my own personal preferences. On the one hand, I do believe it is a social construct that forces a lot of people to behave in ways that make them unhappy. On the other hand, I do see the value in being in a committed, monogamous relationship, especially where raising a family is concerned. While non-monogamy is becoming more accepted as a way of life – at least in the progressive circles I run in – a lot of people still seem to be conflicted about it, both with themselves and with their partners.
As one of the guys I interviewed said: “I think monogamy is tough even under the best of circumstances…just look at the statistics. People like to blame men but it takes two to tango. Men usually act on the physical urge first though. In my mind, it all comes down to communication. That and the puritanical nature of monogamy. There are four markers of doom in a relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If they are present and the relationship doesn’t end, someone will cheat or cope in other unhealthy ways
So, if you’ve always wished your wife would do that thing you like but you never ask her, 20 years later when you have contempt, you may stay together for the kids but find someone to do that thing. We are all fucking weird. If everyone just told their partners what they needed, the statistics would be different.”
Another male friend offered up the following: “There’s a societal pressure that makes men think that there’s no other option but to cheat. They don’t realize that there’s many different kinds of relationships that can be created between two individuals. It’s just all about communication and understanding.
People may also be afraid that they can’t create a situation with their partner because their partner wants monogamy. And they don’t think non-monogamy is an option, but it’s all about limiting beliefs. It’s interesting because the body really is such a habitual machine that we get into these patterns of thoughts and behavior. And then it prevents us from really, truly exploring the full range of possibilities available to all of us.”
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
