GaySexCoach

Professional ethics and protocols are an essential part of sex and intimacy coaching with me. It's vitally important that the work we do together is as transparent, honest, and safe as possible - for both of us. My training and ongoing professional support and accountability is an essential part of helping to ensure this. My training and professional bodies: I am a fully Certified Sexological Bodyworker, and a Certified Member of the School Of Consent. My training was overseen by Joseph Kramer (one of the foremost teachers of erotic bodywork in the world) - founder of Sexological Bodywork and Body Electric - and Betty Martin - founder of the Wheel Of Consent. My teachers and mentors also include many somatic sexology and embodiment leaders across the world. I am a professional member of the Association of Somatic and Integrative Sexologists (UK) and am fully insured through them with BGi.uk. I am also a professional member of the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers. My work adhere's to the ASIS professional code of ethics, which is designed to protect the safety of both client and practitioner in all the work I do. Some key elements of the code that are worth highlighting include: - The importance of maintaining and respecting agreed boundaries. Boundaries are to be discussed, agreed and set at the beginning of each session. Maintaining the agreed boundaries also includes stopping touch when clients request it. - Touch is always done consciously and with the attitude to do no harm, with concern for the client's growth; for the safety of both/all parties; and to honour the agreed boundaries established. - Sessions will neither fulfil the client or practitioner’s desire for romantic sexual connection, and both parties agree not to have any form of sexual contact outside sessions.

My touch-based sessions for gay men are built around 4 different dynamics of giving and receiving touch. When it comes to giving and receiving touch most people think of it in terms of just 2 dynamics: - doing = giving - done-to = receiving If you've ever had a massage this will sound familiar. But what if you want to run your fingers through my hair because you enjoy the feel of it? You're doing it for your benefit, not mine. So you’re the one receiving (the gift of access to my body) - but you’re also the one doing the action. The 4 touch dynamics I work with are much closer to the reality of what we actually experience in our lives (whether or not we’re aware of it). There are 2 types of giving - this is about giving a gift: - Active giving: I touch you the way you want (I give you the gift of my action) - Non-active giving: You touch me the way you want (I give you the gift of access to me) And there are 2 types of receiving - this is about receiving a gift: - Active receiving: I touch you the way I want (I receive the gift of access to you) - Non-active receiving: You touch me the way I want (I receive the gift of your action) Each dynamic has its own distinct flavour and each one opens up unique possibilities for learning more about yourself and your relationship to pleasure. The dynamics are based on the Wheel Of Consent. Why do I work with each touch dynamic separately? Gay sex can feel complicated at the best of times, and if there's a lot happening at once it can get even more confusing - not the easiest way to learn about giving and receiving touch. Experiencing each touch dynamic separately from the others helps you focus on just the elements that are going to be most useful for you. And this enables you to develop real skills for meeting your needs, building better boundaries, and communicating your desires authentically when it comes to touch. So in sessions with me YOU get to choose which of the dynamics you want to explore. You may want to focus on just one, or you may want to learn about all four. You may want to get better at the one you find most challenging; or you may want to get more practice at ones you enjoy.

The first thing to say is that although a lot of my work includes touch, I’m not a gay erotic massage therapist, and I don’t offer massage in the traditional sense. Sessions with me are more about learning: learning new skills for pleasure, and learning new ways to connect with authentic, healthy touch - both in your own body, and in a relational way when you're body to body with another man. What’s the difference between what I offer and a gay erotic massage? When we work together it’s always a co-created experience, and the more you can put into it and engage with it, the more you’ll get out of it. This is very different from a traditional massage experience. Sessions with me can include touch which is erotic in intention, or touch which includes the genitals (learn more about how I work with touch). However, it’s important to note that what I offer is primarily a learning space rather than simply an experiential space (learn more about the difference between learning and experiencing). Why consider something different? It can be a wonderful experience having someone else put your desires first, and dedicate time and care to focus on your pleasure. But most massages are about someone else deciding how you should be touched. And in an erotic massage there are often a lot of assumptions about what your body will find pleasurable. Instead, what if YOU got to choose exactly the right kind of touch for you at every moment? Working this way with me is not only an opportunity to be touched exactly the way you want, but you also get to learn more about pleasure in your own body on a deeper level!

All my work has the Wheel Of Consent built into the heart of it, and this provides the framework for me to be able to work with touch and pleasure as safely as possible. Currently I’m the only certified gay Wheel Of Consent facilitator and teacher in the UK. I’m also one of the core faculty members of the School Of Consent, the organisation which oversees the training and teaching of the Wheel Of Consent around the world. What is the Wheel Of Consent and why is it useful for gay folks? The key concept of the Wheel Of Consent is radical: not simply that consent is a good idea, but offering a practical way to distinguish between who is giving, who is receiving, and who is doing (all of which can be distinct, separate experiences). It’s a navigational tool which allows you to answer this key question: - Are you acting on your desire? - Or are you putting your desire aside? In every exchange one person will be giving, one person will be receiving. One person will also be doing, and one person will be done-to. But, contrary to what we’re used to thinking, the fact that you are doing something, does not necessarily mean you are giving. We tend to think about consent as meaning permission but sex requires more than just permission. The Wheel Of Consent enables a much more nuanced felt experience. The importance of choice for accessing pleasure When you can get clear about these fundamental aspects of any interaction it opens up much more opportunity for choice, which helps create more safety, which in turn can lead to the possibility for more pleasure. For many gay men choice has often been compromised or taken away, so the Wheel Of Consent offers an incredible container for re-connection and empowerment. Using the Wheel Of Consent in my gay sex and intimacy coaching sessions means the process is never about pushing through and trying to like something you don’t like; it’s about learning to trust yourself and be true to yourself.

Working with me is not about a quick fix, it’s about a journey - for those with curiosity and a desire to find answers within themselves. For many the need to learn a new language (be it verbal or felt) is a key part of the process, and like learning any new language, this can take time. It’s very much a two-way process. I find that those who can co-create with me, rather than simply wishing to be led, tend to find more reward and travel a longer and deeper distance. What I bring: Guidance and tools, training and experience. Listening, reflection and a space of loving presence - supporting you to expand out of habits or suppression into your own comfort zone. What you bring: Honesty, openness, and a heartfelt desire to learn, and bring commitment to the process. A willingness to recognise, and connect with, the wisdom of your own body, and to meet me as a facilitator rather than a teacher. Who I work with: I work mainly with anyone who defines as male, but I absolutely welcome enquiries from anyone who feels drawn to work with me. Please do get in touch with me, if you feel I would be the right person for you to work with - no matter how you define yourself. Locations I work in: I’m based near the beautiful Scottish Highlands, and the Cairngorms - a short, affordable flight from London to Inverness or Aberdeen airports. I offer sessions and workshops regularly in Edinburgh, London, Belfast, and Findhorn, as well as across Scotland, the UK and Europe. And, of course, I offer many opportunities to work with me online.