Low and behold, our silly little tongue-in-cheek piece on 8 types of clients most sex workers have encountered at least once.
The Matt Hancock
He just…is…the perfect representation of your average client. Divorced because he got caught. In a constant state of mid-life crisis. He’s just so…flaky. He messages you non-stop for weeks overusing words like ‘darling’ and ‘beautiful’.
He asks all the questions that are already answered on your ad. Sex addict. He shows up with a wilting bouquet of £2 roses.
The sex isn’t that bad if not a little mechanical. You hold in your laughter at the sight of his orgasm face. He pays for 3 hours but leaves after 1. Zero self awareness. Definitely had a bed pissing problem as a child. You won’t see him for a while now until he pops up again at literally the most random moment.
The Sweetie
This little cutie pie is a heaven send for most sex workers. He’s a regular. He’s a lonely heart. He brings you cute gifts and you sometimes spend the rest of a booking watching a movie or something sweet and almost relationshippy.
However, he’s never intrusive and doesn’t delude himself into thinking that it could ever turn into something real. At least if he does, he keeps it to himself. The sex is kind of nice. You talk about normal things. He feels like a friend of your dad or something. He’s a postman.
The ‘I Can Change You’
Ugh. The worst. He’s married and says he sees sex workers because his wife ‘stopped enjoying sex’…guess what Jim, no woman just stops enjoying sex. It’s time to up your game! He says you remind him of his daughter as if that isn’t completely fucking weird. He wants to be in a relationship with you and expresses his sadness about you ‘selling your body’.
He says that you deserve better than that and after all, ‘you can’t do this forever..’ Are you sure you’re not just trying to manipulate your way into a free fuck Jim? He often tells you that you don’t need ‘all that makeup’ and hates on your fake nails. Comes fast and then apologises for it.
The Party Guy
Usually fairly young. Cheeky chappy. Crusty. He wants you for a party booking, in other words he wants to get coked with you and you’re stuck with his coked dick which he keeps insisting is going to get hard because he’s cheap and intent on getting his money’s worth.
He kisses you as if his tongue is a hole-puncher. When he finally gets hard he fucks you like a maniac repeating over and over ‘you like that, yeah?’ Um, No, not really. He still wears Lynx Africa. His cum tastes a billion years old. At the end of the booking he turns around as he’s leaving and winks, ‘Next time, you can pay me’. Yawn.
The Shy Boy
He’s kind of socially awkward and doesn’t know how to approach women. Works in IT. Very shy. Quite young. Endearing. Bad B.O. Has long hair which he wears in a low ponytail (kind of slays). You’re forced to lead the way and get on top of him.
He either comes immediately or it takes a very, very long time. Once you get him to open up a bit you realise he’s manga-mad. Huge shlong.
The Keeno
His kink is to pleasure sex workers. He’s all ‘I LOVE eating pussy’. Okay, pick me much? He comes to your incalls and makes himself slightly too comfortable in your home. There’s something quite haunting about his big toothy grin. He’s a teacher which makes you shiver.
He goes down on you with ferocious enthusiasm for 20 minutes as you stare at the ceiling questioning your existence. You leave the room for two minutes and when you come back he has a sex toy up his ass with no condom. Once he has come he spends the booking talking in his teachery voice mansplaining things and talking about how much of a ‘nice guy’ he is.
The Posho.
Somewhere in his 30s. Quite fit in a jock frat boy way but his voice is unbearably posh. Even when he moans it sounds posh. He’s married to a ‘good girl’ but he can’t seem to squash his dirty little secret kink for sex workers with fake boobs and six inch heels.
He wants you to be the most sex worker-y sex worker. PSE. He’s a pounder, he pounds. He calls you a slut in his BoJo sounding voice. Mummy’s boy. Secretly loves a finger up the ass. The stingiest client you’ve ever had.
The Red Flag
Beware of this man. He’s paying for an sex worker because he likes the fact that he can pay for one and thrives off the fantasy that you will do whatever he wants you to do. A woman hater who is looking for control. He usually looks fairly normal at first glance.
It’s only when you look into his soulless eyes that you start to get worried. He will try and fuck you raw. He gets angry about the fact that you’re actually enjoying it (even though you’re pretending anyway). Report him.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
