It’s a Tuesday evening. I meet daddy* (late 50s) in a quasi-decadent, chic central London bar. He’s relaxed in his corner seat, one arm resting along the top back, sipping vodka on ice. He’s surprisingly attractive. Upon my arrival he smiles warmly and stands to greet me. I order a tequila cocktail and we get down to business.
- When did you start sugaring?
- Why have you continued sugaring?
- How has your experience of sugar dating been?
- Tell me about the different types of sugar babies you encountered?
- What are the best things that arose from sugaring for you? (e.g. friends you've made, interesting sex...)
- How do you think sugar dating could be improved?
When did you start sugaring?
Daddy: It was 2019. I’d moved to a new apartment, I was with a friend and he was asking ‘Are you having fun in the city? Are you getting laid?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m not doing much, I’m not going out’ and he said, ‘Well I’m getting laid every night.’ I said, ‘Really?’ And he said, ‘Yeah you should try this application, ‘Seeking’. You should open a profile and you’re going to have fun.’ And that’s how it started.
Me: Do you remember your first sugar meet?
Daddy: Yes.
Me: What was it like?
Daddy: The first woman I met was a 30-something year old woman, she was working in the luxury business, she was from Sweden, and she had just resigned. She was in a sort of sexual discovery period. So she had recently registered to the site and she was looking for experiences, not necessarily for the sugar. And we became friends.
Me: How long did it last?
Daddy: A few weeks. We would have dinner together, and there was no sugar involved.
Me: So when was your first arrangement where money was involved?
Daddy: More or less at the same time, I met a younger girl, and she really needed the money. And the three of us would have dinner. It was a kind of..family dynamic.
Me: That’s funny. How many sugar babies have you had since then?
Daddy: I don’t know um…
Me: Countless 😉 ?
Daddy: 2 or 3? 😉
(we laugh).
Why have you continued sugaring?
Daddy: When I started sugar dating I was heartbroken and closed off and I used it as a way to get back into sleeping with women, but today I’m not at all in that frame of mind. There has been a confusion for me to get into this sugaring thing, I never wanted to be a sugar daddy. It’s just a very convenient way to find younger dates as an older guy. Secondly, I live between different towns, so it’s the quickest way to meet up with girls whilst I’m in each place. Thirdly, I had a few disappointing experiences with women where the initial attraction was there, we had good chemistry, but then once it came to the sex it was bad and so it didn’t end up working out, as that’s a dealbreaker for me. Sugaring is good because you start with the sex and see if you’re compatible in that way first.
Me: Do you use it purely for sex?
Daddy: No, and I’ve never been looking to constantly see girl after girl, and use the site like an escort site like most of the guys I know who use it. I see it more as a dating site, except that sex happens faster, because sugar girls know that’s what’s expected of them.
Me: You could easily go to a bar and just pick girls up- why not do that?
Daddy: I think when it comes to an older guy with a younger girl, it’s a bit weird in a bar. The younger girl is going to feel more uptight about it in a public place. Or if it’s in a place where you have younger guys picking up girls, it becomes weird for an older guy to go there. I don’t see myself going into bars where you have a bunch of young people.
Me: Yeah, I guess it could come off as a bit predatory. Whereas if you’re in an online space such as a sugar site it might feel more consensual, because girls put themselves into that space specifically looking for an older person to date. And even on Tinder or something, you set your age limits, so they would only come across you if they had chosen that.
The girls are not doing it for dating…but they are sometimes good at giving the illusion that there are real emotions involved. I don’t know how much is truth or illusion.
How has your experience of sugar dating been?
Daddy: The problem is I’m a bit of a romantic and I cannot be completely detached. So In the end, I think I get more hurt. It did happen a couple of times where I thought there could be something more, but I was the only one thinking that. Because the girls are not doing it for dating, it’s very clear in their head that they are doing it for the money. But they are sometimes good at giving the illusion that there are real emotions involved. I don’t know how much is truth or illusion. But the reality is that it’s unlikely that a girl is going to see only one guy. And she is unlikely to be emotionally involved with 4 or 5 guys. And the same with the guys.
Me: When you get hurt you only have yourself to blame in a way, because it’s not the right site to use as a dating site.
Daddy: Yeah, right. So it’s confusing for me. You can also hurt a baby because they are naively thinking that there is a genuine exchange beyond sex….
Me: It’s kind of a relationship based on both parties pretending. Everyone pretends they want a ‘genuine connection’ but most of the time the men just want sex and the women just want money.
Daddy: I think that’s a good description with grey areas though: you can spend a fair amount of time with each other so a sort of friendship can develop, the intimacy can be very relaxed because no one expects anything from the other….Its not the norm though.
Tell me about the different types of sugar babies you encountered?
Daddy: The indifferent one who would act like an escort, ‘lets get to business and bye’, 4 out of 10 are like that…the sex positive one who is very amused doing it, communicative, bubbly, I would define her as a genuine distant: 4 out of 10….the inexperienced one, a bit naive, she is looking for reassurance she is doing it right, emotionally lost, sexually limitless, 1 out of 10…the coke-head, who sadly is not really sure what she is doing, rushing to meet her friends to go out afterwards, I would not engage with them at all beyond a short conversation.
Me: And you were attracted to the girls who seemed like they genuinely wanted to be there?
Daddy: Yes, and when the woman is at ease and playful whilst knowing that intimacy is a quick follow up. I’m naturally attracted to normal girls who have normal lives and are typically middle class/working class. In my day to day life, I meet a lot of women who go to all the hot spots, dress the part and have great jobs…. I am not attracted to them because they act as men, the irony is that they seem more transactional in a way than the sugar babies… A 40 year old yoga teacher would more likely be the type of girl I’m attracted to.
Me: How about turn offs?
Daddy: What turns me off is a meet that feels too transactional- when there’s coldness, detachment and they don’t want to be there. They seem indifferent and melancholic. Also I’ve had experiences where I felt terrible afterwards, because I saw the women were desperate. They needed the money. And it was confusing for them because they were not used to doing this kind of thing.
I think people should be more truthful about their intentions. It should start with the sugar baby indicating clearly her limits, and the daddies expressing more honestly what they want/ expect.
What are the best things that arose from sugaring for you? (e.g. friends you’ve made, interesting sex…)
Daddy: friendships, but that’s rare, most sugar do this temporarily and want to keep it in their past. Sorry to go sideways but I can also think of a negative side effect, it can pollute normal meets because it’s the same adrenaline when meeting someone new as with sugar except you cannot expect to have sex after 5 minutes!
Me: Can you think of any particular memories that were poignant/special for you?
Daddy: Interestingly for the most part not really, everyone wants to forget even the most intense moments because they are based on a transaction, so as a man you can’t help thinking that you had sex for money…And you were either “abused” by a woman who made you feel special but did not mean it or you “abused” a gullible woman who spent more time with you than she should have… its a bit like taking drugs, great when doing it, but the memories of it fade away quickly.
Of course there are exceptions, I’ll keep these memories to myself.
How do you think sugar dating could be improved?
Daddy: I think people should be more truthful about their intentions. It should start with the sugar baby indicating clearly her limits, and the daddies expressing more honestly what they want/ expect. Finding a way for the sugar babies to be more respected would be a good start, somehow shaming daddies who misbehave or abuse…similarly a way to alert men of abuse or scam from babies.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Iso
Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
