So how old were you when you entered your relationship?

I was 18.

How old was she?

18 also.

How did you meet?

We met in Italy, where we both lived. We were in the same friendship group and quickly became lovers.

How was the sex at the very beginning- can you remember the first time?

At first it was really good. People often say that sex when you’re young sex can be awkward and bad because you have no idea what you’re doing. I think the awkwardness is true, but it doesn’t necessarily make it bad. We were at a party and there had been this sexual tension between us brewing like crazy. I snook her away and we had very hot, young, fumbling sex- if that makes any sense.

Were you nervous/awkward at the beginning?

The beginning of the relationship, like any, was a whirlwind. Especially because at first we agreed to keep it a secret from our friendship group because we didn’t want to disrupt the group dynamic. It made it very exciting. We were always sneaking off. So this element of secrecy really emphasised the usual feelings of heightened emotion that you experience when you’re first falling in love with someone. 

Did you imagine at the beginning that you would be together for so long?

I don’t know how it is for girls, but for guys you don’t necessarily dream of being together forever when you first go into a relationship. I was young, and I didn’t expect to fall into a long-term relationship so early. So I guess the answer is no. 

How was the sex different after 1 year?

After 1 year, our friendship group knew that we were a couple. So the element of secrecy was gone. But this introduced a different type of excitement, you know public affection without obviously being able to take it too far in front of everyone. At the time, age 19, I was having what I thought at the time to be great sex. But it was more focused on my pleasure. I was playing with her but I wasn’t actively making her cum. She would grind on me herself if she wanted to cum. But it still felt like good sex because we were crazy about each other. 

How was it different after 3 years?

Over the years the sex basically got better and better. Which isn’t what people tend to expect. But as the initial excitement of the newness may die down, you are becoming more comfortable with each other which means that you very naturally start to explore new things. At the start, you are fine just fucking maybe in the same position, doing the same sort of thing every time and because it’s still all new, that’s enough to get you off. 

How was it different after 6 years?

After 6 years we had moved to the UK together and we were growing as people and learning things about each other. We had been together long enough at this point for me to notice points where the sex was bad and points where the sex was good. Little things can affect a sexual dynamic and make someone feel closed off, or not excited by the other person- like if someone feels insecure and not loved enough it can fuck the dynamic up a bit. But the important thing is to not get stuck in a mode like this. To not communicate and move past it- that’s how relationships go wrong and people stop having sex completely. She was way more vocal about her own desires and I started to realise how the sex we’d been having before was more about me and kind of thoughtless. As you get older, you become more sure of yourself and also more conscious in everyday life. You take more effort to explore. We were trying all sorts of things by this point, it was really exciting. Like we literally tried everything, and the stuff we liked became our sort of niche things. 

Was the greatness of the sex directly linked to how great your emotional connection was?

Definitely. Whenever the relationship was off, the sex was off. I mean, if we were having a heated argument sometimes it made it even better…but you know, if there was a disconnect, an unspoken emotional disconnect the sex wasn’t good. But our strength was that most of the time we were always able to be vocal, communicate, bounce back from any issues. Our relationship was very balanced at its core, so day to day we would push each other and keep each other on our toes. 

Why did you break up?

After 9 years we broke up, because she cheated on me. She told me when it had happened. It was with someone we both knew and only happened once. But it skewed the relationship  beyond repair. I couldn’t get past, it permanently altered the balance between us. I reacted in a way that was destructive because I wanted to get back at her and eventually we were both miserable. 

Did the sex get worse when the relationship eventually failed?

All of the time, I couldn’t help feeling like I was enough. The fact that she had cheated felt too on the surface- it was like too much in both of our minds and I couldn’t get excited. Then when I cheated back to try to make it even it just hurt her also and it just felt so permanently damaged, something that we could never come back from. 

If the relationship didn’t come to an end, do you think you would still be having a good sex life now?

It’s hard to say. We broke up 6 years ago, so we would have been together for 15 years now. I have to say that yes, with the way it was going before she cheated, I think it would still be good now. Once you find your sort of stuff that you like doing together, and you both feel relaxed around the other it doesn’t get boring. I mean, when I masturbate I often think about the same thing, but it doesn’t get boring, it slightly changes- but once you know what you like, you don’t get bored of it. 

What if you had sex together now after not seeing each other for 6 years?

I don’t know. I’ve moved on now and I’ve changed. When you’re in a relationship you grow together, but now I’ve grown alone and she’s grown alone. But who knows?

Did she cheat because she was dissatisfied with the sex?

We had a lot of arguments *ahem* conversations about this. But she said she truly was satisfied and deep down I did believe her. It was a one-off thing that happened, they were both a little tipsy and one thing led to another. 

Do you think that it’s a common myth that the sex gets boring in a long term relationship?

I do think it can happen. It didn’t happen to me though. I think it’s the moment you stop communicating truthfully, or the moment one person starts to disrespect themselves by staying when the other person doesn’t care. The moment you get stuck and don’t do anything about it. It’s normally down to fear. That’s when the sex gets boring. But that can happen within 2 years.  

Was the sex great every time or were there some times that weren’t as good?

There were of course times where it wasn’t 10/10. But most of the time it was good, especially in the later years when we really understood each other’s bodies and knew exactly how to make the other cum. Most couples who are married from a previous generation that was more prudish never took the time to explore each other’s bodies and how to make the other cum. Maybe our generation will bring about more marriages / long term partnerships that are way more sexually satisfiying. 

Did you both put in a conscious effort to try new things in sex, or did it just happen?

As we got more comfortable around each other, we naturally started doing little things that were a bit different. Then later on we started trying out other things and those things we had talked about together beforehand and said we would find it exciting. 

What sort of things did you do together-anything especially weird?

Seriously everything almost. We both found common things that really got us off though, we liked certain (subtle) roleplay, we both liked it rough.. But it was more specific than that..I won’t get into it!

Did you find them more physically attractive as time went on?

Kind of. I always found her physically attractive but that becomes less important over time. 

Did you find them more mentally attractive as time went on?

Yes. When you feel so connected to someone, like you’re both reading each other’s thoughts it’s really hot. 

Would you say that a long-term relationship isn’t a breeze, that there are bad times and good times, and that you have to work hard and persist?

You have to work hard, it’s not easy to communicate about things you feel vulnerable about, but it’s crucial. Luckily I’m a very blunt and open person anyway. But you can also be someone who is not very open, and find someone who manages to open you up. It’s all about the dynamic between you. 

Were you never tempted to fuck with someone else purely for the thrill of the newness?

Temptation is always a thing in a relationship. You’re always going to be tempted by other people. You’re always going to find other people hot. But nothing compares to that mental closeness to your partner, not for me anyway. 

Did you guys still flirt with other people whilst you were together?

I want to say no, but how do you avoid flirting? It’s something so unspoken and subtle, it’s always going to happen. 

Have you found that the sex you’ve had in shorter relationships has never reached the level that your long-term relationship did?

Yeah, not yet. Here’s to hoping!

Interview
psychology of sex
relationships
Sex
sexual behaviour
Iso

Iso

Author

Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.


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