Not to sound cocky (pun 100% intended) but when it comes to filacio, I consider myself to be a bit of an expert. This certainly wasn’t always the case. The first time I gave head as a teenager, I had no idea what I was doing. I pulled the blanket over my head and did God knows what to poor Tim Coury’s adorable, little Ronald McDonald penis (I still to this day have never seen pubes so red before). It was dry, there were teeth, and I never got a call back.
For the longest time afterwards, I avoided sucking dick out of embarrassment over my lack of skills. But when I landed my first serious boyfriend in college, he informed me that my whole “Giving head just isn’t my thing” shtick wasn’t gonna fly, providing me with a much needed sex education. From that point forward, I had a solid foundation, and as my number of sexual partners grew from the single to the double digits, I started gaining confidence.
Flash forward 10+ years and I’ve become a bit of a blowjob goddess. When you’ve managed to make dozens of guys cum solely from head who had (allegedly) never been able to do so before and who dub you “the best head I’ve ever gotten,” you know you’re onto something. After conferring with some male friends (most of whose dicks I’ve sucked at one point or another), I realized that the art of the blowjob can be broken down into four simple criteria.
Lubrication
The party trick I use to bring all the boys to the yard is deepthroating.
It’s not for everyone though! I credit my lack of gag reflex to my former bout with bulimia and I get that not every blowjob giver out there has the stomach for it. That’s totally okay though because so many guys aren’t even into it.
For me, deepthroating is less about the male’s immediate pleasure and more about setting him up for an enjoyable blowjob experience. You see, if you can make yourself gag a couple of times, saliva starts spouting out of your mouth like the Trevi Fountain. And as every guy knows, you can’t have a decent blowjob without the proper lubrication. Of course there are other ways to replicate the deepthroat salivation phenomenon – lube, spit, coconut oil – but none of them seem to be quite as effective, at least in my personal experience.
Beyond the sheer quantity of lubricant you can generate through deepthroating, there’s something psychologically irresistible about a woman who is willing and ready to get down and dirty. Each time I give a blowjob, my eyes tear up, I get spit all over my face, and occasionally, I actually straight up vomit.
There are the anal types who prefer to keep things tidy and contained, but for the most part, men are enthralled watching a woman become so uninhibited and sexual.
And for the 50% of men who aren’t all that crazy about deepthroating, there’s another 50% who are. I think one of my absolute favorite things in life is when a guy with a huge dick realizes he’s met his match in the form of my mouth. There’s just something so satisfying about being the dirty little whore who rocks his world by being the first woman skilled enough to fit his entire cock down your throat.
What can I say, my Aries ego loves a challenge.
Grip
If lubrication is the John Lennon of head, grip is the Paul McCartney. Both are essential to ensuring success. Each brings something different to the table and together, they make beautiful art. Whether you’re using your hand, mouth, or hand / mouth combo, a firm grip is crucial for takeoff. I definitely used to shy away from this, worried that if I squeezed too hard I would cut off blood flow or break his dick. But in truth, for all the “Tighter,” comments I’ve received over the years, I’ve never once heard someone tell me to “Loosen up.”
There are a couple of caveats of course! If the dick is not sufficiently moist, too tight of a grip (especially when the hand is involved) is a huge no no. From my understanding, it creates a highly unpleasant, friction-filled sensation comparable to rug burn. When it comes to the mouth, I’ve found that when I get too focused on maintaining a tight grip, my teeth sometimes come out to play unexpectedly – the curse of being born with thin, white girl lips.
All in all though, men seem to appreciate a woman who just goes for it. Worst case, you get feedback that something you’re doing is causing pain and you back off a bit. Best case, you wow him with your abilities and make him cum like he’s never cum before.
Customization
Some guys like to be deepthroated, while others prefer the focus to be on the tip. Some guys say that they can jerk off just fine with their own hands and therefore only want a woman to use her mouth, while others are all about the blowjob / handjob combo. Some guys like a more repetitive motion, while others prefer a wide array of foreplay. Some guys love to have their balls played with (I once had a daddy who liked it when I pinched them with clothespins), while others have balls too sensitive to even be licked.
Every cock is its own, unique snowflake, full of different wants and needs. So while there is a certain level of skillage one can develop regarding lubrication and grip, being able to tailor your blowjobs to your recipient is equally, if not more important, for blowing him away (again, pun 100% intended – sorry not sorry for having the sense of humor of a teenage boy).
It’s effective communication that fosters not just the most physiologically pleasurable experiences, but which sparks intimacy, trust, and openness. While I sometimes fall prey to the misguided feminism of our day and age, which attempts to reduce men down to dogs seeking purely physical sexual experiences, the fact of the matter is that energy and connectedness are just as important for men as they are for women.
By taking the time to listen to what your blowjob recipient is asking for, you are holding space for him to be vulnerable, while also demonstrating your reverence and honoring him as the king he – and every man in the midst of being taken care of sexually – is.
Enthusiasm
Enthusiasm is arguably the single most important criteria for giving a banging blowjob. When I’m on the receiving end of oral, I am so much more turned on and comfortable by a man who is showering my pussy with compliments and who is not just okay with but excited by the notion of going down on a woman for hours.
Alternatively, when a guy says something like, “Are you close to cumming?” or, “You know I don’t normally like eating pussy, but yours is great,” I become self conscious and, ultimately, lose interest.
As such, it’s no surprise that men respond well to a gal who is eager to shove his cock down her throat and get lost in a deep meditative state of bliss. Everyone has their limits though.
Maybe your neck is starting to hurt or you’ve reached your gagging cap and feel like one more stroke is gonna send you puking. It happens to the best of us. But make no mistake, tapping out after a valiant effort is way different then doing some half-assed job getting his dick wet and hard enough for him to slide it into your pussy so that he can just make himself cum already.
While there is such thing as feigning enthusiasm – as any sex worker can attest to – the subconscious knows how to differentiate the bullshitters from the real ones.
Your words and actions may say you’re into it, but energy doesn’t lie. As such, I strongly advise against faking enjoyment. It doesn’t do anyone any favors, and if anything can be deeply damaging to your own psyche. Going through the motions of something you are uncomfortable doing simply to satisfy someone else is poison for the soul – take it from someone who spent decades people pleasing at the expense of her own sanity.
With that said, if there’s one thing I would urge blowjob givers to embrace (or at least try to), it’s swallowing the cum. I’m always flabbergasted when I hear about a woman spitting the cum out immediately after ejaculation.
Yes, STDs are more transmissible if you swallow and yes some guys (especially the drug addict types) don’t have the most delicious tasting cum. But god damn, is there any better way to make a guy feel like a cheap date than by running to the bathroom post cum to expel the bodily fluid he just exerted into you in a moment of passion?
Maybe I’m being overly sensitive, but I for one would be pretty offended if someone tried pulling that with me.
I know I’m so far on the opposite side of the spectrum (I see cum as a life force full of nutrients, lap up every drop I can, and specifically request men to cum in my mouth when we’re having sex) that it’s difficult for me to empathize with people who get nauseous from the the taste or texture of cum, but there’s no denying that the refusal to swallow makes the whole thing feel a bit transactional and should be avoided when possible.
Art by Senju Shunga “Amai Momo”
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
