We don’t talk enough about the pressure men feel to perform in the bedroom, to stay hard, to last long, to know exactly what to do, and to deliver a job well done every time. But here’s the truth: this pressure affects men of all ages and backgrounds, and no one should have to carry that pressure around for a lifetime. Ultimately, we all have a part to play in breaking unrealistic expectations around sex, regardless of gender.

When someone feels they can’t meet their partner’s sexual expectations, it can trigger feelings of self-doubt or not being “enough.” over time, this emotional weight can start showing up physically. This might be in the form of erectile difficulties, changes in sexual response, or even avoiding sex altogether.

According to one study, nearly 60% of men avoid sex due to performance anxiety. Yet, as Robert E. Pyke notes in another study, sexual performance anxiety (SPA) is one of the most prevalent sexual complaints — and still, there’s no official diagnosis for it in any gender.’

So, how do we begin to shift the narrative? It starts with recognising the following…

1. Pressure to perform happens at any age

Whether you’re 18 or 68, the expectation to “perform” can creep in at any moment. The pressure to perform might be because of subtle messages from the media, porn, past experiences, partners, and even the locker room banter that gets internalised early on. For younger men, it often shows up as anxiety around “doing it right” or lasting long enough. For older men, it can be tied to fears about ageing or bodily changes. Let’s be clear: experiencing occasional erectile difficulty, delayed ejaculation, or a drop in libido is completely normal at any stage of life. It doesn’t make you broken, less of a man, or undesirable.

2. The ripple effect on relationships

When the pressure to perform goes unspoken, it can quietly take its toll on intimacy. Partners might misread it as disinterest or rejection or even think there might be someone else in the picture. But the reality is that men might avoid sex altogether out of fearing another “failure.”

This fear can quickly spiral into a cycle of anxiety and avoidance — not just of sex, but of closeness altogether, in case it leads to something sexual. Unfortunately, even a single instance of difficulty getting or maintaining an erection — often caused by performance pressure itself — can spark a loop of overthinking and fear that may contribute to ongoing erectile dysfunction.

What helps? Openness. When both partners can talk honestly, “I’ve been feeling anxious,” “Let’s take the pressure off penetration,“ or “How can we explore pleasure differently?“ the dynamic shifts from performance to pleasure.

3. Seeking Support Is a Strength

Men are often conditioned to “deal with it“ and more so to suffer in silence or else break the mould of being a ‘Man’. But, the harsh reality is that not addressing your sexual well-being can lead to deeper issues, not just in the bedroom, but in self-esteem, mood, and even physical health.

One thing that is already happening is normalising that men need support, too, but when it comes to the bedroom, we are still a little behind in it. So, when we think about shifting the narrative, let’s keep in mind what support might look like:

• Talking to a partner about how you’re feeling
• Exploring sex therapy or coaching to unpack underlying patterns
• Trying pleasure products that can support arousal or sensation without performance pressure
• Speaking to a doctor to rule out physical contributors like medication or hormone levels

There’s no shame in asking for help. In fact, it’s a powerful way to reclaim agency over your body, your pleasure, and your relationships.

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

As we mark Men’s Mental Health Week, it’s a reminder to open up the conversations we’ve all avoided for too long, not just about how men feel, but about the pressure to perform, please, and show up a certain way in intimate spaces and sex. For many men, finding the words can be challenging, but creating a safe, non-judgmental space to listen might be precisely what they need to finally feel seen and supported in an area of their lives where they have been told they need to ‘just man up’.

Sexual well-being is mental well-being, and no one should feel ashamed, broken, or alone for experiencing pressure, fear, or changes in desire, regardless of gender.

If you’re feeling the pressure, know that you’re not alone, and there is support available. Your sexual health matters. Your mental health matters. You matter.

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.