The internet has made me nostalgic for old school slut shaming.
“Doing it for the male gaze” – Is it feminism or is it puritanism playing dress up? Don’t piss down my neck and tell me it’s raining. Just call me a whore.
Actually, don’t do that since you’ll get demonetized. We can self-censor by saying “skunk” instead of “skank” because not even Jesus can tear us away from the creator fund program.
Purity culture didn’t disappear, it just got better lighting
If you’ve been scrolling through social media, specifically TikTok, you’ve probably heard the term “purity culture” or at least seen videos pushing back on the subject.
Hell, I’ll even bet you’ve seen videos you didn’t even know were pushing puritan values, since they’ve been rebranded in the 21st century.
By definition and historical record, purity culture is an evangelical movement at its core. The movement was put heavily into action in the 1990s focusing on abstaining from sex before marriage, while simultaneously upholding traditional gender roles.
It’s also worth noting they wanted to push to have Christianity in schools. Man’s desire and temptation is seen as poison. If men should feel any form of desire, they can’t control themselves and we need to stop it.
Do we do address men’s behaviour and try to dismantle the systems that uphold and fuel these problematic beliefs? Fuck no. We blame the women and not the men asking Grok to put them in bikinis without their consent.
Abstinence based sex education is a product of this belief. Growing up and attending a private boys school, we didn’t really have this style of learning, but it poked its head out in our course packs from time to time.
We never had any real pleasure education, only the act of reproducing and understanding how our bodies change during puberty. I truly believed at 13 years old that if I didn’t use a condom my penis might explode due to STDs and that meant I failed sex overall.
A nugget of shame had planted itself in my mind early. The paranoia I had for sexual encounters that didn’t even happen for many years to come overwhelmed me.
I will state my religious background here in case there are some good Christians who are reading and ready to tell me I don’t know anything about Jesus Christ and biblical lore.
Born in Montreal and half my family being Italian, I was raised Catholic. Baptized, communion, and confirmed along with spending Saturday mornings in church classes at 10 am.
Fun fact about me is I’m also an ordained minister in Canada where I can perform religious rituals that include marriage counseling if I really wanted to. There’s a very slim chance I’d become Pope, but it’s not zero.
God felt like this giant surveillance camera in the sky. If we felt we sinned, we had to tell some strange old man in an antique closet what we did and he’d make us apologize to sky daddy depending on the severity of our sins.
There were these very clear rules and things we had to do to remain in God’s favor presented to us as being a good person. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a general understanding of what this lifestyle is.
When modesty becomes moral superiority
Content pushing conservative values aren’t always heavy fisted, but they are cloaked in this intellectual discourse that sometimes tries to disguise itself as feminism.
Your brain would shut off seeing an elder preacher scream about the fires of hell burning you if you got a hand job before you were married, but we’ll stay a little longer listening to an average person explain calmly why they value modesty and lean into “divine femininity” as they do their make up with the front facing camera turned on. That’s where it starts.
Believe me, there’s nothing wrong if you want to be reserved regarding your intimate practices, appearance, and sexuality, but there is a problem when it’s presented as this morally superior stance to navigate life and we should all fall in line because it’s your personal belief. We’re all wrong because certain creators evoke an unexplored emotion within you due to their bodily autonomy.
I don’t think any of us could have predicted the way social media would be used and exist today when we were kids. It was always the old folks getting upset and we’d joke about the “make room for Jesus” line when it came to school dances. Hands on each other’s shoulders with arms fully extended as you swayed awkwardly around with your partner.
If God is so all knowing in regards to everything that has happened and will happen, how did he not see the difficulty in dancing like that when Low by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain came out?
Nowadays, instead of just Boomers yelling at us, we’re seeing younger people online regurgitating these talking points and acting like the sex police to complete strangers. What’s even wilder and makes this subject more serious is that it’s coming from not only from the right, but the left at times.
There is this overwhelming sense of weirdness when it comes to the subject of intimacy and relationship dynamics when you start listening to the discourse online.
We’ve had lockdowns due to a pandemic, lack of media literacy, content saturation, individualism, third spaces being less accessible, capitalist driven dating apps, policing others as activism, and online echo chambers contribute to these skewed beliefs.
Intimacy isn’t black and white and it’s not weird to want and yearn. Who cares about being nonchalant? Watching videos of people feeling weird about sex makes sense when you think about all these factors, but it doesn’t make it right. Sex is completely normal. Intimacy is a part of what makes us human.
I’m looking at Gen Z here. No, I’m not blaming an entire generation, saying it’s all of you, or fueling this beef between age brackets. I feel bad for the hand you guys were given. With that said, it doesn’t give you the right to punch down at others because you’re insecure when other lifestyles are mentioned.
Closing your eyes during sex/nudity scenes in film and TV shows as an adult feels more alarming than anything else.
Sex is not the apocalypse
Removing sex scenes from movies or creating an online witch hunt for people who participate and enjoy adult media will not remove that weird relationship you have with yourself.
Eradicating any form of nudity will not fix you no matter how many videos you post or rants you make.
What’s next? We’re going to get rid of sunsets because the sun is going down and that’s a metaphor for oral sex and people enjoy sunsets, so we have to stop being perverted and respect ourselves more? What are men going to think saying you enjoy sunsets? That’s practically a dog whistle for sucking dick and that’s male gaze coded. We can only eat hot dogs and bananas with a knife and fork if we want to progress as a society. Truly, what are we even arguing about anymore?
Maybe the intimacy you’re seeing isn’t the one you want and it’s okay to desire something else for yourself. Diversity is what makes life feel sweeter. What we see on our screens isn’t pure fact. It’s entertainment and works of fiction do not reflect our entire moral fabric because of how we choose to engage with them or not.
I touch on this in my previous article “Is Your Porn Aging with You?” and how adult media is entertainment and the problems we have when we accept it as unquestionable reality to justify our beliefs and behaviours.
It feels like a lot of people forget that you can opt out of the content you see. You aren’t a hostage to your algorithm at the end of the day. Block, restrict, and tell the social media platform you’re not interested. We can all continue on with our lives.
Why create a cyber purge because there are adults out there who enjoy adult media? Some people want a front row seat for the smut bonanza and they aren’t bad or morally inferior because of it.
What is a productive use of your time is to be introspective if it’s really bugging you. Ask yourself what is making you uncomfortable. If it’s exploring taboo themes, ask why and what that adds to the media you’re engaging with.
I get it can be difficult considering the rage bait and wild hooks we see in online content, but it’s important to reflect a little bit before we get the ring light out and let our misinformed opinions turn into outrage.
I’m a horror fan both in movies and literature that I even took a class in college for two years exploring the themes of great authors and directors. The best description of the horror genre I’ve heard is “it’s drama with higher stakes” Stories that allow the viewer to explore less known themes and ideas you can’t get from another genre. Social and political commentary is often happening through every scene. Manifestations of trauma and lessons are depicted through metaphors. It can also just be campy and feel like a theme park ride.
Despite all the movies and stories I’ve seen and read, I have zero interest in murdering someone and I don’t have a desire to be a monster. No overwhelming urge to live in the haunted house or exist in the same universe of my favourite films. Never saw a horror icon on screen and said “goals”
Watching scary movies isn’t going to make killing someone easier since I’m apparently “primed for it” according to conservative folk. Technically Jason from Friday The 13th represents puritan culture because he’s killing young people having premarital sex all movie long.
The moment a couple is about to get it on and we see some boobs, he comes out of nowhere to end it violently. Whoever is the most scantily dressed and outwardly horny tends to die quickly in the films. In Jason X the protagonists successfully distract him by using a hologram of a college lesbian pillow fight.
It’s not a bridge too far to say the hockey mask wearing machete wielding slaughter machine is a symbol of evangelical rage reacting to the times. He’s an exaggeration and almost gruesomely comical representation of conservative talking points. A boy with a tumultuous relationship with his mother who took it out on everyone else.
I don’t think every single person who read a bible is a Jason Voorhees, but I don’t see a lot of devout Christians moving away from violent rhetoric towards people enjoying and being themselves.
Art can be as complex or as simple as you’d like to interpret it to be. What truly matters is how you engage with it. I’m not offended by what I’m seeing since I’m an adult with free will who chose to put on the film. At the same time, I understand this is fiction and I have the uninterrupted ability to shut it off at any moment.
Puritan tradwives and kink in disguise
Shifting from fictional depictions of morality in fantasy media, let’s talk about fabricated representations of correctness in the real world with Tradwives. I hate to burst your bubble, but it’s a farce. We can write a whole article on them alone since the mountains of hypocrisy are vast.
She’s telling you to submit and abandon feminism, yet she has a podcast, fan pages, merchandise, and is monetized on all platforms along with a team she controls to run this empire for her.
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I can confidently tell you that’s “male gaze” because where are the Tradhusbands? What are they up to while their wives are at home making breakfast cereal from scratch? Oh right, they’re just men pushing patriarchal values on podcasts and crashing out live on video because women have some form of independence. Got it.
As I was consuming this content especially for this article, I noticed something familiar and couldn’t put my finger on it exactly until I saw a video from a creator called Mae. They mention how conservative submissive women have zero sex education resulting in kink/fetishes being pushed as morality.
Everything clicked in place and it was impossible not to see in any un-ironic Tradwife video. They believe their desires are shared by everyone and pitch it as this is what god wanted since they have no access to sex positive spaces and content.
“I was placed here to have as many kids as possible” or maybe you have a breeding kink? “A wife’s duty is to give in to her husband’s needs no matter what” that sounds like free use to me. “I don’t wear shoes on my property so I’m closer to god and my place at home” it also could be your man has a thing for feet?
It’s hard to take someone seriously saying they don’t like kink at pride yet they’re wearing a pastel bridal collar and enjoy princess treatment in restaurants. This is a result of when we don’t have access to sex education and lines are continuously blurred between entertainment and reality. Your sexual practices are your own to explore responsibly without shame.
We don’t need to perpetually broadcast what goes on in our minds and bedrooms, but we should be able to explore and learn as adults absent judgement.
My mind keeps circling around this notion that something which makes us unique in our intimacy is being used as tool to put down others and uphold systems that oppress people for even having a naughty thought.
Wrapping it up in bible verses and quoting Jesus doesn’t give you the right to slut shame others. I wouldn’t be surprised if this group of creators believe the inner monologue they hear in their brains is the voice god.
If you really are a firm believer in the need for Tradwife/Tradhusband representation because the world feels too god damn woke, you have Gomez and Morticia Adams. Talk about marriage goals.
If I’m following the doctrine of healthy family values, a divine union, and a heterosexual representation of love we apparently so desperately need, that means I’m right by thinking of The Adams Family? Yeah? Or is that not good example because Gomez adores Morticia without robbing her of her independence?
“Protect the children” and other convenient shields
Maybe it’s because Gomez and Morticia support their children and don’t just see them as objects to hold moral high ground over those they disagree with?
It’s appropriate now to discuss the nuclear argument from all puritan pushers and that’s “Protect the children”.
That’s the slam dunk conservatives, radical feminists, and law makers think they have on all of us. Beware, I’m not going to pull my punches and I’m going to say some quiet parts out loud.
I agree that we should protect the kids and the main way that’s going to happen is education.
Personally, I believe teachers should be paid so much more and schools along with extracurricular programs should be invested in more than weapons of war. Free lunches for all of the kids regardless of their backgrounds.
It’s difficult for me to believe you when you make back to back videos about your outrage of bop houses, yet you stay silent regarding school shootings. Where’s that energy for safer gun laws and mental health resources or are you too caught up in the online marketing of women dancing in an empty mansion for new subscriptions on an adult only site?
“Adult creators like you aren’t thinking of the kids!” You’re right. I’m not thinking of kids when I paint a vulva. My art show is for adults only.
Same is said with sex workers who have a link in their bio. It’s an adult website behind a paywall, so it should be blocked on your device and your child shouldn’t have a credit card.
When I engage in intimacy online or in person, my mind doesn’t immediately go to children. That’s a you problem and it makes me uncomfortable that when adults are being adults in adult spaces, you somehow and without fail bring up children.
Even when we see celebrities explore their own sexuality publically, you somehow infantilize them to make it seem worse than it is.
Parents should be responsible for their kid’s devices, but that won’t make me support the government in collecting ID to do so. I’m more upset with gambling ads that seem to be on every platform these days. Especially the ones that use those bright flashy colours to get the youngest audience on board. Don’t get me started on seeing some 12 year old explain their 7 step skin routine.
“You should be accommodating of children” Apart from being an artist and writer here on Sensuali, I manage a restaurant on weekends where families frequent regularly. Parenting is a lot and I don’t know how some of you juggle it, but I do ask if their child would like to draw so everyone can have a good time.
I keep a pack of multi-coloured markers and blank papers behind the bar and I happily place them on the family’s table instead of resorting to screen. I’d rather see them doodle all over the place than watch ads disguised as shows on YouTube.
I believe there should be more spaces for kids and things specifically for kids that actually benefit them and don’t try to sell them something.
When it comes to the JOI of Painting, your kid is not supposed to be there and I’m not the babysitter because I exist online. Mr. Beast and the Paul brothers don’t accommodate your kids. They target them for views.
You believe they should be on a device, that’s your call but at least put on some Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, Ms. Rachel, Steve Irwin, etc. That’s their passion for teaching. It’s free and easy to program if you really want to.
Staying on the subject of protecting kids, the paradox of these examples I’ve made merge together. All these clips of fear mongering, shaming discourse, true values, and tradwives are not age locked. You don’t use censored language like “Seggs” and “Corn” to be appropriate. You use it to stay monetized and get better reach.
Argue all you want that the message is important, but the money isn’t off the table. Why is it when a new online witch hunt begins, I hear it from others first than seeing the original content directly? As an adult I get confused, so I can only imagine what a kid must feel like stumbling on this video.
Sometimes I check and I realize that the creator under scrutiny has an age restriction and you don’t, yet you screen recorded their posts. I’ll even go as far to say that some of the pieces of media aren’t available to the public which really makes me wonder what lines you crossed to post it for yourself.
Violating terms and service along with someone’s consent is fine if they’re a whore, right? It’s okay to break someone’s trust and boundaries when it’s for the greater good. How else can we save these people?
Your shock keeps them trending
The Streisand effect is important to know here. To refresh the reader’s memory, the singer Barbara Streisand tried to remove one image of her home from a coastal erosion based publication that contained 12 000 images.
Before she caught wind of it, there was roughly 6 downloads of the image in question which blew up to close to half a million when she filed the lawsuit. It wasn’t even labelled that this was her address.
The meaning here is: when you bring attention to something specifically carrying a personal response or reaction, people are going to want to see what it is. That’s what is happening here.
Instead of “protecting” people, these creators fuel traffic and people know how to play this game very well. So, what’s really the point of this game?
If I knew I had a free marketing team that commented on my every move, I’d naturally become more outrageous knowing I can profit from your outrage. Messy dynamic to have.
In a digital dark age, choose understanding
Sitting here re-reading what I’ve wrote about a complex issue online, what’s the point? What are we teaching people? There’s profit in shame, and virality justifies your cause through validating your ego with likes.
We’re turning the parts of ourselves that sympathize and understand into a little police officer that pops off when someone is doing something we don’t do/understand.
Education is a non-negotiable to move forward, but we are stuck in a digital dark age that won’t hear our demands.
I would say to be mindful of what’s being said and remember none of us are immune to propaganda. It’s easy to demonize porn when the voices of those involved are censored. Erasing or hiding your identity along with your sexuality will not make this problem stop.
My personal opinion is that as long as these people refuse to hold the men accountable for their problematic beliefs, they’re always going to find a way to try and burn you at the stake. Trying to explain decentering men will consume another 3500 words easily.
Feminism is not being one or the other, but the choice of doing what you want with your life, your body, your partners, without the many forms of the patriarchy weighing down on you.
Be slutty. Be modest. Most importantly, be open and understanding to subjects we all benefit by learning from. By the powers invested in me as a minister and by God, may you be blessed and protected in your sexual adventures.
A real step forward from purity culture is recognising that sex and pleasure are not threats, but natural parts of being human. Sensuali’s Wellness & Education experiences support informed, shame-free exploration with trusted practitioners.
Featured artwork by Armando Cabba.
Armando Cabba
Armando Cabba is an artist originally from Montreal. His body of work primarily consist of the duality of portraiture and abstraction along with everything in between. Armando’s work is held in private collections in North America and Europe. After a few years working independently in Italy, he moved to Paris where he currently continues to create.