In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to slip into me vs. you. Maybe you shut down, raise your voice, or start mentally preparing your next comeback or how to defend your point. That moment of disconnect is familiar and happens to us all. And it’s where many of us get stuck and often stay when it comes to relationships. But what if the real shift didn’t lie in winning the argument, but in choosing the relationship? 

This is where Terry Real’s ‘Us‘ Theory comes in, something I have been fascinated by ever since training as a sex and relationships therapist. It’s a relationship framework that invites us to move beyond individual agendas and start thinking as a team, treating the relationship as its own living thing. It’s about looking at the relationship as something that needs its own care and attention, which requires both to show up and pay attention, leaving the me vs you at the door. 

At its core, the ‘Us‘ Theory is about stepping out of the power struggle and into partnership and collaboration. It’s not about self-sacrifice or sweeping things under the rug. It’s about recognising that when one of you loses, the relationship loses too. And if the relationship suffers, both of you eventually feel the impact.

Now, I’ve been putting this into practice in my relationship for the last two years, and I’m not here to sugarcoat it or tell you it’s easy. Unlearning old habits, especially around behaviours, safety, protection and letting down your guard, takes practice. But with patience, care and a willingness to keep identifying old patterns, it really has a profound effect on the relationship. 

So instead of staying stuck in a loop of defensiveness, distance, or blame, the ‘Us’ approach focuses on creating emotional safety and closeness and, at times, teaches us how to communicate better in a relationship, even in the face of discomfort. So, while it might be a challenging journey to go on, it will be worth it in the end. I promise!

What Does It Look Like In Practice?

It starts with noticing the moment things shift. You know the one: a disagreement triggers a response where your chest tightens, your tone changes, your jaw clenches, or you feel an urge to withdraw or attack. That’s the moment to pause.

In that pause, ask yourself: Am I protecting myself, or am I protecting us?

It’s not always easy to do, especially when emotions run high. But this tiny moment of reflection can help reframe how you show up. It can mean the difference between tearing each other down and turning toward each other.

Instead of leading with blame, the ‘Us‘ mindset invites you to explore some curiosity. It shifts the conversation from “Why are you always like this?“ to “Help me understand what’s going on for you.“ It’s about approaching things with compassion, even in the most difficult of times.

You begin to speak differently, too. The language of ‘us‘ sounds like:

“I love you, and I don’t like where we are right now. Can we figure this out together?” Or, “This doesn’t feel good for either of us. What do we need to change?” You see how this goes from a me vs you mentality?

You’re no longer positioning yourselves as enemies trying to win, but rather as allies trying to reconnect. The thing that helps me is the reminder that we are both strangers entering into a life-building exercise together. We both have different upbringings, trauma, expectations and communication styles. It’s about recognising you are two uniquely different people showing up and figuring your shit out, but you were never taught how to do that together.

Don’t get me wrong, there will still be ruptures and words that land wrong, silences that stretch too long, and tears shed. But with the ‘Us’ theory, there’s a shared commitment to repair that rupture. There’s mutual responsibility. And, perhaps most importantly, there’s compassion to leave blame at the door and explore what you BOTH need to do to show up better for the relationship.

Tips To Try Together

If you want to start embodying this approach, here are three easy-to-implement practices:

💬 Daily Check-ins

Take 5 minutes to ask each other:

• What’s one thing I did today that made you feel loved?
• What’s one thing we can do tomorrow to feel more connected?

🧘 Regulate Before You Relate

If you’re too activated, take a short break before responding and ensure you’re clear in your communication with each other. Before walking away to take a short break, saying “I need a minute, let me come back to you in 30 minutes so I can regulate and gather my thoughts” means so much more than the cold shoulder. Come back when you’re calmer and ready to talk as teammates.

🫶 Create ‘Us‘ Rituals

Have a weekly ‘us‘ moment, whether it’s a slow Sunday morning lie-in, cooking together, or an evening walk without phones. These rituals reinforce the idea that your relationship is a living entity that needs care and attention. Think of it like a good gym workout or prioritising your favourite meal – without it, you feel rubbish. The same goes for the relationship.

The Takeaway?

The ‘Us‘ Theory works because it’s rooted in connection over control, repair over righteousness, and care over competition. It teaches you to see your relationship as something worth protecting, not just when things are good, but especially when they’re hard. It encourages us to explore the question of ‘how to be a better partner in a relationship.’

Because when you make decisions from a place of ‘us’, you’re not just choosing your partner, you’re choosing the kind of love you want to grow.

And that changes everything.

If you want to go deeper and learn more relationship tips, then read “Us” by Terrence Real.

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.