I remember thinking after I broke up with my ex of nine years, ‘how do I even know what I want when I don’t know who I am anymore?’

I was excited to rediscover myself and curious about exploring the world as a newly single woman. But looking back, I wish someone had told me to pause, to take the time to heal, to feel comfortable in my own company, and to ask myself the deeper questions: What am I really looking for now? And what was missing that made me walk away from my last relationship in the first place?

But what if healing isn’t linear? What if we don’t wait or can’t wait? What if it’s messy? What if dating and figuring yourself out aren’t separate journeys—but intertwined ones? What if we date while healing? Because, let’s be honest, healing isn’t a destination or a tick-box exercise. It’s a journey, and one you can embark on as you enter the dating scene.

Well, at least for me, that’s what happened. I was impatient, ready to learn and heal along the way, and felt okay making a few wrong turns to learn some life lessons, even the ones that still sting today. I wanted to go back out into the world and feel again.

But here is what I learnt.

Dating while healing is messy, tender, vulnerable, and totally valid if you feel that’s what’s right for you. You don’t have to be “fully healed” to want connection. You don’t need to have all your boundaries in place, your triggers resolved, or your purpose fully defined to deserve care, intimacy, or companionship. You are only human after all.

In fact, some of the most powerful insights about yourself might come through the experience of dating while healing. Here are a few things to support you on your journey.

You Are Allowed to Want Love And Space

You can crave affection and connection, even while you’re in the thick of personal transformation. Healing doesn’t always require isolation; sometimes it asks us to meet ourselves more deeply in relation to others. However, you may find that the way you date changes.

You may be more aware of your emotional responses. You may catch your nervous system flaring up. You may realise that some patterns still linger. The point isn’t to avoid dating until you’re “fixed”; the point is to move slowly, consciously, with compassion. Now is your time to figure out who you are. Did that date leave you feeling exhausted or bored? Why? Did they align with who you are now as a person and what you are looking for? No? Why not?

The idea here is to be aware that your healing journey shouldn’t be ignored, belittled or undermined to suit the needs of others. Stay centred in your wants and needs, and don’t let anyone come in the way of that journey you have embarked on, which leads me onto the next point.

You Don’t Owe Anyone Perfection

When you’re healing, it’s easy to fall into shame. To feel like you’re “too much” or “not enough.” To over-apologise for your needs. But you don’t owe anyone the polished version of yourself. You are not a project for someone to complete; you are a person, evolving & settling into this new version of yourself.

In fact, owning where you are—honestly and without apology—is a superpower. It sets the tone for the kind of connection you want to build. It’s not easy, trust me, it took me a while to find my voice, but you’ll get there. Here are a few things you could say while dating…

• “I’m still working on my relationship with my body, and I move a little slower around touch.”
• “I have a hard time trusting people, but I’m practising staying open.”
• “I’m still finding my voice, so I might need a little extra space to process.”

This isn’t oversharing; instead, it’s creating a safer space for your needs to exist and setting a boundary so that the right people stick around.

Dating Can Be a Mirror, Not a Distraction

It’s tempting to use dating as a way to avoid your healing, jumping from date to date, chasing validation, and keeping busy. This is precisely what I did until all my past baggage came back to haunt me. Sometimes we don’t realise we’re doing it until we’re deep in and we feel more lost than before.

However, dating can also serve as a powerful mirror.

Every attraction, trigger, and dynamic can teach you something. About your boundaries. Your desires. Your wounds. Your worth. If you stay present with what’s coming up, and this is where therapy or a good support network can be helpful, you can mindfully identify not just what’s going well but also what you are avoiding, so you don’t end up in the same patterns that led you to leave last time.

You can transform dating from something that derails your healing into something that deepens it.

Let Go of the Timeline

Healing doesn’t have an ending; it’s a lifelong journey that will shift, flow, and spin you round and round. You might meet someone who fits into your life while you’re still putting it back together. Or you might realise that dating right now isn’t aligned, and that’s okay too.

There’s no gold star for getting it “right.” Instead, ask yourself:

• Am I dating to avoid being with myself, or to meet myself in new ways?
• Can I hold both my desire for love and my commitment to healing?
• What does support look like for me right now?

You Are Lovable Mid-Journey

We are always healing. Growing. Learning. Shedding old patterns and trying to feel safe. Being mid-process doesn’t make you unworthy of love—it makes you human. So if you’re dating while healing, be gentle with yourself.

Take breaks when you need to. Communicate openly. Don’t be afraid to walk away from what doesn’t feel safe or supportive to your healing. And don’t forget, there are people out there who won’t be scared off by your healing journey or your scars. I promise there will be people who will hold space, not pressure and people who will see your healing not as baggage, but as bravery.

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.