Not Just a Phase. Embracing Pansexuality on My Own Terms

When I began dating in my early teens, I noticed that the way I felt a connection wasn’t quite the same as what I saw in movies or what my peers experienced. I noticed that I wasn’t drawn to people based on their gender, but rather, it was more about energy, connection, and something I couldn’t quite name at the time. I was captivated by how someone made me feel, not whether they identified as male, female, or anything else in between.

I knew this was a different kind of attraction, but 13-year-old me had no real representation of what I was feeling. Even now, in my 30s, Pansexuality still feels underrepresented in mainstream media. While things are slowly shifting, it’s rare to see characters who reflect the fluid, unique nature of pansexual attraction. That said, there have been some powerful moments, from David Rose in Schitt’s Creek to Ola Nyman’s journey in Sex Education, glimpses that feel affirming, even if they’re few and far between.

When I stumbled across the term Pansexual in my mid-20s, something clicked for me. For the first time, I felt like I had a word that mirrored my experience — fluid, open, expansive and at times hard to explain. While I’ve never been one to cling too tightly to labels, I found some comfort in the fact that this one didn’t box me in and ultimately was the closest thing to making sense of my experiences. It gave me somewhat of permission to let my sexuality take whatever shape it needed to.

So, What Is Pansexuality?

Pansexuality is a sexual orientation characterised by attraction to people regardless of their gender identity. The word itself comes from the Greek pan, meaning all, though that doesn’t mean pansexual people are attracted to everyone. Rather, gender isn’t a deciding factor in whether or not a connection is formed.

For many pansexual folks, attraction is based on the individual — their personality, spirit, values, chemistry or energy. It’s about seeing the person beyond the binary, beyond labels, and forming emotional, romantic, or sexual connections that exist outside traditional structures.

I think one of the most beautiful things about Pansexuality is that while we all might agree on what it means, it’s a very unique and different experience and feeling from one person to the next.

Breaking Down Familiar Myths

Since coming out, I’ve had my fair share of well-meaning (but awkward) questions and outright misconceptions. Here are a few I’d love to clear up:

“So you’re attracted to everyone?”

No. Just like anyone else, I’m drawn to specific qualities, not every person. It’s about potential, not promiscuity.

“Isn’t this just a phase?”

Pansexuality isn’t confusion or experimentation. It’s a real, enduring orientation. And even if someone’s labels change over time, that doesn’t make their past or present identity any less valid.

“Bisexuality and pansexuality are the same.”

They may overlap, but they aren’t identical. Pansexuality explicitly rejects gender as a factor in attraction. Again — let people self-define!

Pansexuallity & Dating

If you’re dating as a pansexual person, communication is your best friend, and so is having an understanding of what it means to you. Your partner(s) may have assumptions about what your orientation means, and being able to talk about it by defining it for yourself first is going to make a world of difference.

When I first started telling people I was Pansexual, especially my partners, I found myself tongue-tied and ultimately being misunderstood. Why? Because I couldn’t articulate it yet. What did it mean to me? What did it mean in terms of how I dated? Why was I drawn to the people I was drawn to? What was my reason for identifying in this way?

Honestly, I still don’t have all the answers. Even in my current relationship, I sometimes struggle to find the words. How do you condense something so expansive — a feeling, a connection, an experience — into a single sentence or conversation? The truth is, I don’t think you can. And maybe that’s okay.

If You Think You Might Be Pansexual

Being pansexual has taught me so much about openness, patience, and the power of not feeling restricted but rather full of curiosity, even when others don’t fully understand it.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. However, when you do feel safe and ready, sharing your story can help shift the narrative and broaden someone’s perspective.

And if you’re still figuring it all out? That’s okay, too. Pansexuality isn’t a fixed destination; instead, think of it as an invitation to explore, connect, and express your desire in the way that feels most you.

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.