For a long time, I thought desire was something you either had or didn’t. You were either sexual or broken. But the reality is desire is far more nuanced, relational and contextual than we’ve been taught. But that’s the thing, we are never taught what desire truly means, how it shows up or why it feels like it just disappears.
If you’ve ever felt “broken,” mismatched with a partner, or confused about why desire comes and goes, these 4 books are game-changing in helping normalise, understand and move forward to being friends with your libido.
Other than my years in this field of work and my studies, these 4 books really have reshaped how I understand libido, arousal, and intimacy, and they’ve deeply influenced how I work with clients, partners, and my own body.
I know they will be supportive tools for you as well.
Book one: Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships
By: Lauren Fogel Mersy & Jennifer A. Vencill
This book is a breath of fresh air, especially if you’re tired of desire being framed through a heteronormative, gendered, or pathologising lens. Lauren Fogel and Jennifer Vencill move away from “high vs low libido” binaries and instead explore how libido differences are normal, relational, and deeply shaped by identity, trauma, health, and context. The book is inclusive of queer, trans, disabled, and neurodivergent experiences, which is still rare in mainstream sex literature.
They don’t just take you right back to the basics of what desire is or even means for us as individuals, but they offer supportive reflection prompts throughout each chapter to help you explore and understand your own desire.
Book two: Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth About Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire
By: Cyndi Darnell
I had the pleasure of being taught by Cyndi Darnell during my Coaching studies, and what I love about Cyndi is that her work isn’t just about education; it’s about learning to be more embodied. Something needed but often missed when it comes to exploring great sex.
Her book Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It is fantastic for dismantling the shame around not wanting sex and reframing desire as something that can be responsive, contextual, and cultivated, not demanded.
You can choose intimacy without forcing desire, and desire can grow from safety, curiosity, and connection.
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Book three: Come As You Are: The New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life
By: Dr Emily Nagoski
A classic for a reason. If you’ve read only one book about desire, make it this one.
Emily Nagoski’s work on accelerators and brakes revolutionised how we should view our libido. Her science-based approach validates why desire fluctuates and why stress is often the biggest libido killer. This book will make you realise you’re not broken, your body is responding exactly as it should to your environment.
This book is foundational for anyone struggling with low desire, especially if you have been socialised to think something is wrong with you.
Book four: Mind the Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life
By: Karen Gurney
As a Psychosexual Therapist, Karen Gurney bridges clinical insight with real-world relationship dynamics beautifully.
She reframes sexual difficulties as relationship patterns, not individual failures. The “gap” isn’t just about desire; it’s about communication, attachment styles, power dynamics, and emotional safety.
This book is gold for couples who feel emotionally close but sexually disconnected (or vice versa).
Why these books matter
Together, these books dismantle the myth that desire is a simple, spontaneous urge that should always be there. It always us to work through the outdated, false and downright inaccurate views about our bodies, our relationships and what’s actually normal when it comes to sexual desire.
My key takeaways from these books are:
- Desire is complex and looks different for everyone and every body
- Mismatched libido is normal, and navigating it is possible in a relationship
- Stress, trauma, hormones, pain, identity, and culture all shape desire
- Pleasure grows from safety, communication, and curiosity, not pressure
And perhaps most importantly: you are not broken if your desire doesn’t look like the movies.
April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
