Time and time again, I hear my clients say, “Dating apps are getting me nowhere.” And honestly? I get it. Dating apps have made meeting people easier than ever, but connecting with the right people seems more complex than ever.
I saw a TikTok recently where a comedian said dating apps are basically just us swiping “no” on people because we secretly think we’re better than them. Brutal, but I laughed. He suggested we start matching those who both reject each other; wouldn’t that be an interesting first date?
But here’s the truth behind these apps, there’s some psychology behind that swiping behaviour, and we all know about it, so I’m here to remind you. Especially if you’re reading this because the title caught your eye as you jump from this article to the cheeky chats happening on your Bumble or Tinder.
Swiping “no” can act as a kind of psychological reinforcement; you know that feeling. When we’re in a space where we’re constantly being judged and evaluated, rejecting others gives us a fleeting sense of control. It can even be a subtle coping mechanism to boost self-esteem, making us feel desirable and in charge for a split second. Also, let’s not forget that these apps are built for glances and snap decisions based on looks and a few short sentences, where we focus on the superficial rather than real compatibility.
It’s easy to get swept up in the cycle of swiping, small talk, and situationships that never really go anywhere because these apps are designed to be addictive and keep you coming back for more. You might find yourself moulding to what someone else wants, minimising your needs, or ignoring the little voice that says, “This isn’t actually what I’m looking for.” Why? Because after a while, swipe fatigue sets in, and the idea of being “chosen” (or not) starts to override genuine connection.
The truth is, dating isn’t just about finding someone you like; it’s about finding someone who aligns with your values, desires, and life direction. So while dating apps can definitely help you find your soul mate (The Tinder Gods helped me find mine), you must stay true to who you are rather than falling into the trap of encouraging fast, superficial connections.
When you start dating with your desires in view, you stop outsourcing your self-worth to other people’s interest in you, and instead, begin to build relationships that feel nourishing for your soul and are authentic. Trust me, you’ve got time, don’t rush romance!
So, if you’re feeling a bit lost in the dating app pool, here’s how to start swimming in the right direction.
1. Get Clear On What “Alignment” Means For You
Before you can align your dating life, you need to know what your internal compass looks like. Ask yourself the following questions, write them down and stand firm in these beliefs. If someone isn’t on the same page, they’re not your person.
- What kind of connection am I actually looking for? Romantic, sexual, long-term, open, experimental? It’s ok to state your intentions with people straight away, especially if you are super clear on what you want.
- What do I need to feel fulfilled in a relationship? This is where you set your boundaries. For me, this included things I wouldn’t settle for, even if they were small. For example, it might be aligning on morals and political views, communication styles and even boundaries around sex.
These answers aren’t static, and yes, they can 100% evolve with you and the relationship. But naming them gives you a foundation to recognise when someone matches your energy and when they don’t. It’s the difference between intention and impulse. When you date from clarity instead of confusion, “mixed signals” stop being confusing. They’re just red flags waving to protect your time.
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2. Show Up As You, The Whole You!
A common dating app trap is showing up as the version of yourself you think others will want or that feels desirable. We all pick the pictures we feel we look our best, the “perfect bikini pic”, or the one time you got dressed up for girls’ night. But ask yourself, are you showing who you are or who you hope they’ll choose?
Leading with your truth doesn’t mean oversharing, coming on too strong, or sharing photos that make you feel vulnerable. It means being intentional and honest and not being afraid of the real you.
Share that cute pic of you at the gym, and post the image of you belly-laughing at the family gathering. That’s the version of you that someone is waiting to fall in love with.
3. Date With Curiosity, Not Expectation
When you approach dating with curiosity and even an element of self-discovery, rather than a ‘I’m running out of time’ mindset, it shifts everything. When we date with urgency, we let all those alignments we set above go out the window.
Yes, you’ll go on bad dates, and yes, you’ll make mistakes along the way, but these are not failures. Every failed date will teach you something new about yourself and what you want in a person.
I once went on a date with a man who, a week later, casually dropped, “My work is and always will be my priority.” The connection had been growing, and for a moment, I thought it might actually go somewhere, until that sentence made me feel a certain way. I knew, despite liking this guy, that it was my cue to walk away. I wasn’t looking to be someone’s “after-hours hobby”, I was looking for someone who wanted a balanced life in love, work and travelling the world with me.
Every date, good or bad, is a mirror, showing you where you’re at, what you value, and what you’re no longer willing to settle for. When you date with curiosity instead of urgency, you stop chasing potential and start recognising fit and alignment.
Love Isn’t Found By Swiping Harder
So the next time you’re tempted to lower your standards because it’s been “a while,” remember that the more you honour what you really want, the more likely you are to find someone who wants it too.
April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
