Love, Labels, & Fluidity: Owning Your Desires (Even if You’re Not ‘Out’)

What if you never come out?

What if your queerness lives only in secret corners, untouched by expectation?

What if your desire softly lives in the spaces between categories, undefined but deeply felt?

What if it doesn’t need a label to be real, or a loud declaration to be valid?

The world often romanticises the moment someone “comes out” like it’s the beginning of their queerness. But queerness begins long before any announcement.

It starts in the body and the mind. The way something made you feel and your reactions to it. The nervous glances, the fantasies that keep you up at night, and the questions you quietly carry. Because before you ever speak it, you feel it.

And I know personally, the journey isn’t always easy. It’s rarely simple and full of complex emotions. But it can still be beautiful, sacred, and sensual.

There’s something deeply empowering about discovering your desires in private. No pressure. No performance. No audience. Just your inner voice, your hungry body, and your curiosity guiding you into parts of yourself you haven’t yet met.

You start to realize that what turns you on might also be what sets you free.

The Quiet Power of Private Desires

Before I was “out” (whatever that even means), I was quietly exploring my sexuality online. Scrolling. Reading. Listening. Learning. Craving connection and a safe space. 

I tested the waters of my desires in the safest place I could find: my own imagination.

Then, eventually, in blog posts. Late-night confessions written like love letters to no one. Maybe to myself. Little truths about how I loved women. Not just in the way girls are taught to love each other, but in ways that made me want to explore sexual and romantic attraction.

Women fascinated me, their bodies, lips, energy. I didn’t fully understand it, but I felt it. And even though no one in my life knew, that private expression felt like freedom.

There’s a deep, almost erotic intimacy in exploring your queerness when no one is watching. You’re not trying to fit into anyone’s idea of who you should be. There’s no script, no filter, no pressure to land on a final answer. You deserve to ask your own questions, or at least try to.

It’s just you. Your fantasies. Your feelings. Your choice to explore the way you desire. Flirting with the unknown, playing your own game, imagining a narrative you may one day gain the confidence to carry out.

Because here’s the truth:

• You don’t need to be “out” to be valid.
• You don’t need a label to be queer.
• You don’t need a partner to own your sexuality.
• You just need to listen to your desire and let it lead you. Dipping your toes into the shallow end, learning to swim, then diving into passionate open waters with full liberation.

The Pressure of Coming Out (and Why You Don’t Owe It to Anyone)

Eventually, I began sharing little pieces of my journey online, softly and slowly stepping out of my comfort zone on my own terms. Over the years, I met other curious beings, sharing vulnerable exchanges with strangers who said, “I feel this too.”

Being seen is an incredible feeling, but it can also be terrifying. Doing it on your own terms allows you to move at your own pace, take breaks, and figure out what direction feels right for you.

Still, I wasn’t ready to tell the people around me. Family felt too heavy. Friends didn’t always feel safe. And the world? It loves to demand clarity before you’ve even found it for yourself.

I didn’t want my sexuality to become a spectacle. I didn’t want to be interrogated, or applauded, or labeled like a product on display.

I didn’t want to make a big announcement just to prove that what I felt was real. Because I knew it was valid when my body first told me it was.

Once it’s out in the open, everyone has something to say. Questions. Projections. Expectations. And all that noise can drown out the most important voice: your own. The one still asking what you want, who you’re drawn to, and what really turns you on.

Coming out isn’t a finish line. It’s not a requirement. And it definitely shouldn’t be a performance for anyone else’s comfort.

So here’s what I’ve learned:

You don’t owe anyone a declaration to validate your desire.

Your identity is yours to hold, to protect, to explore, to whisper into the night or scream from the rooftops. But only when you want to. And only if it feels good.

Let Desire Be Yours First

To this day, 15 years later, I still don’t have a neat label. Some days I feel queer. Other days fluid. Other days, label-less altogether. And I like it that way. I enjoy being free from any box.

Because sexuality is a gorgeous universe to explore. Fluidity gave me room to move, to evolve, to feel into the moments that made me feel most alive.

It taught me that certainty isn’t required to feel connection. That desire doesn’t always need a destination because sometimes it can be up in the air. 

Now I’m comfortable in my own sexuality and I’m confident in my journey, I can now look back and miss those early moments of quiet exploration, and I cherish that. It made me who I am today. No one was watching. No one was judging. It was just me, and this whole new world opening inside me.

There’s power in that solitude.

There’s sensuality in secrecy.

There’s something exquisitely yours in letting your sexuality bloom before the world ever gets a say.

So if you’re still figuring it out, or if you’re not out, or not ready, or not sure, just know that:

• Your desire is real.
• Your exploration is sacred.
• And your truth doesn’t need to be public to be powerful.
• Own it anyway, because it’s only yours to own.

Jade Laurice

Author

Jade Laurice is a visual artist who paints the female form with a dreamy, intuitive flow in both canvas and clothing. She is Guided by nature and emotion, their work blends rich colour, soft curves, and raw energy to honour the beauty and power of feminine identity. As a queer activist and mental health advocate, they use art as rebellion and a way to reclaim space, spark connection, and remind others of their worth.