Everyone has patterns in their life they want to get out of. The same habits, the same dynamics, the same outcomes.
Usually we try to fix them, avoid them, or blame circumstances. Existential kink offers a different approach. It asks whether part of you might be attached to the very pattern you say you want to change.
What is existential kink?
Existential kink is a concept that suggests you may be unconsciously attached to, or even deriving pleasure from, the situations you think you want to change.
The term was popularised by Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott. At its core, existential kink is about examining recurring patterns in your life and asking whether they are giving you an emotional payoff.
Most self help advice focuses on fixing problems. It asks you to change your mindset, improve your habits, or remove obstacles.
Existential kink takes a different approach.
Instead of starting with “How do I stop this?”, it starts with a more uncomfortable question:
“What am I getting out of this?”
The theory behind existential kink is that human behaviour is driven by reward. If something keeps repeating, there is usually some form of reinforcement. That reinforcement might not look like pleasure in the usual sense. It might look like intensity, validation, drama, control, righteousness, or even familiar disappointment.
For example, someone might say they hate unstable relationships, constant money stress, or always being the responsible one. Existential kink asks whether there is a hidden benefit in those roles. Does instability feel exciting? Does stress create adrenaline? Does responsibility create identity and importance?
This does not mean people consciously choose negative outcomes. Existential kink is about unconscious attachment. It suggests that if you keep participating in the same pattern, some part of you may be invested in the emotional experience it provides.
In simple terms, existential kink is the practice of identifying the emotional reward inside unwanted patterns.
A clear example
Imagine someone says:
“I hate that I always date emotionally unavailable people.”
They may feel hurt or frustrated.
Existential kink would not say, “You like being hurt.”
It would say:
Is there something about longing that feels powerful?
Does wanting someone who withholds affection create excitement?
Does the fantasy feel better than real intimacy?
Does it confirm a familiar story about yourself?
If the answer is yes, then the pattern is not random. It is giving something.
That “something” is the kink.
Another example: money stress
Someone constantly struggles with money.
They say they want stability. But they avoid sending invoices. They undercharge. They procrastinate.
Existential kink would ask:
-
Does financial stress create adrenaline?
-
Does it justify not taking bigger risks?
-
Does it support an identity like “I’m the struggling creative”?
-
Does it create drama that feels alive?
The idea is that chaos might feel more exciting than calm – not consciously, but emotionally.
What existential kink Is NOT
Existential kink is not:
-
Saying trauma is chosen
-
Saying abuse is secretly wanted
-
Saying people deserve harm
-
Replacing therapy
-
Ignoring real structural issues
It only applies where you have agency and repetition.
It is about recurring patterns, not random tragedy.
Why call it a “kink”?
Because a kink is something that turns you on in a non-standard way.
Existential kink suggests you can be “turned on” by:
-
Being rejected
-
Being stressed
-
Being the rescuer
-
Being the victim
-
Being the underdog
-
Being misunderstood
Turned on does not have to mean sexual. It means activated. Charged. Stimulated.
If calm feels boring but chaos feels alive, that is a kind of kink.
Who might find existential kink useful?
It tends to resonate with people who:
-
Notice they repeat patterns
-
Are tired of blaming others for everything
-
Want to understand their own behaviour honestly
-
Are comfortable questioning their identity
How existential kink relates to shadow work
Think of shadow work as looking in a cupboard where you have shoved all the parts of yourself you do not like.
Shadow work says:
“Open the cupboard. Look at what is in there.”
Maybe inside you find jealousy.
Or neediness.
Or wanting control.
Or liking attention more than you admit.
Are you a sensual
professional?
Join hundreds of BDSM practitioners, content creators, erotic writers, artists, coaches, masseurs, muses and more on Sensuali
Shadow work is about saying, “Okay. That is part of me.”
You stop pretending it is not there.
Existential kink looks at the same cupboard.
But it asks a different question.
It says:
“Not only is that part of you in there… do you actually enjoy it?”
For example:
Shadow work says:
“I can admit I get jealous.”
Existential kink says:
“If I am honest, jealousy gives me a rush.”
Shadow work says:
“I do not like that I want control.”
Existential kink says:
“Control actually feels good to me.”
So the difference is simple.
Shadow work = admit the trait.
Existential kink = admit the pleasure.
They work well together because both require honesty.
But existential kink pushes a bit further. It asks you to notice the emotional charge, not just the behaviour.
How to explore existential kink in a sexual context
Sex is often where hidden desires are easier to see. Power, attention, control, surrender, shame, admiration, rejection, and longing all show up clearly in sexual dynamics.
This makes sexuality a useful place to explore existential kink safely and consciously.
1. Notice what you were taught was “bad” and how to channel it elsewhere
Many people have desires they pushed down because they felt:
-
Too dominant
-
Too submissive
-
Too attention seeking
-
Too intense
Existential kink asks:
What if that desire is not a flaw, but simply something that gives you charge?
For example:
If you were shamed for wanting control, maybe structured power play feels relieving – like dominance or being in charge during sex.
If you were shamed for wanting attention, maybe being admired or watched feels powerful – like striptease or exhibitionism.
If you were told you were “too much”, maybe intensity is actually your natural rhythm – like higher-stakes play or highly charged role play.
If you were shamed for wanting to submit, maybe surrender feels grounding rather than degrading – like submission or restraint.
Instead of rejecting those desires, you can explore them consciously.
2. Separate Fantasy From Harm
Exploring existential kink sexually does not mean putting yourself back into situations that hurt you.
It means asking:
What is the emotional dynamic I am actually turned on by?
Is it the person, or is it the feeling?
Can I explore that feeling safely and on purpose?
For example, if you keep dating emotionally unavailable people, ask yourself:
Are you truly attracted to people who cannot show up for you?
Or are you turned on by longing, anticipation, and something being slightly out of reach?
In real life, that pattern can leave you anxious and frustrated.
But the dynamic underneath it, controlled withholding, distance, pursuit, tension, can be explored consensually in a power play scenario.
The difference is choice.
You are not falling into harm.
You are consciously engaging with the dynamic that carries charge for you.
2. Work with the right kind of support
If you want help understanding your patterns, you might start with guidance.
A therapist or sexuality coach can help you unpack where certain dynamics began, what emotional payoffs are involved, and how existential kink may be showing up in your life. This is more reflective work. It is about awareness, language, and recognising repetition.
If you want to go further and actually explore those dynamics in practice, especially around kink or power, you might choose something more immersive.
That could mean working with a kink aware practitioner, a BDSM professional, or an experienced provider who understands power exchange and consent.
On a platform like Sensuali, you can connect with both types of support. Some people want structured conversation and insight. Others want contained, consensual experiences that allow them to step into roles they have been curious about.
Guidance helps you understand your patterns.
Immersive experiences allow you to explore them consciously, with boundaries and agreement, rather than acting them out unconsciously in everyday life.
4. Reclaim what you were ashamed of
A big part of sexual existential kink is realising:
Some of the things you felt “bad” for wanting are simply intense.
You may discover that when you consciously allow those desires, you stop unconsciously creating chaos elsewhere.
For example:
If you secretly enjoy intensity, you might stop creating emotional drama in relationships once you allow intensity in sexual play.
If you enjoy being wanted, you may stop chasing unavailable partners once you allow yourself to be visibly desired.
You are not fixing yourself.
You are redirecting the charge into spaces where it is conscious and healthy.
If this piece resonated, you can explore guides, workshops, coaching and other experiences in Wellness and Education on Sensuali to better understand your patterns and build a stronger connection to your body and self.
Iso
Iso is a writer and creative based in Paris. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern UK seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.
