At first, touch came as naturally as breathing. A touch on the lower back sparked desire. You reached for each other without needing a reason, and a kiss would lead to passionate sex. But somewhere along the way, between the daily to-do lists, work schedules, and even little ones running around, touch became less frequent, less intentional… and sometimes, not even for pleasure.

So what changed?

For many couples, it isn’t a lack of love or attraction—it’s life. We fall into routines, default to autopilot, and intimacy becomes a mere checkbox instead of a deliberate choice. When stress, emotional distance, or unresolved tension enter the picture, touch often becomes a distant memory. And when touch does happen, it’s quick, goal-oriented, or performative, sex to “get it over with,” not because you’re craving it.

We stop asking:

• What kind of touch do you find most pleasurable?
• What do you need to feel safe, open, and connected?
• How can we bring back desire without pressure?

Instead, we often fall into patterns of avoidance, blame, or guilt. Resentment builds towards each other for not making an effort, and we start believing we’re “broken,” that we’re not trying hard enough. But, even worse, we start to believe that the spark is gone for good.

But here’s the truth. Your desire isn’t dead, and your libido isn’t gone; it’s buried under layers of disconnection, silence, and unspoken needs.

Why This Happens:

• Routine kills spontaneity. When you know what’s going to happen next in bed (and it’s always the same), there’s no room for mystery, build-up, or true connection.
• Stress overrides sensuality. Our nervous systems can’t relax into pleasure when we’re stuck in stress cycles or carrying emotional tension.
• Unspoken needs lead to resentment. When we stop communicating about what we really want (or don’t want), we default to performative intimacy, pretending everything is fine.
• We stop being present. Instead of experiencing sex with all the senses, we check out, dissociate, or go through the motions.

It’s more common than you think to fall into “let’s just get it over with” sex, especially in long-term relationships. Life gets busy, stress enters, and hormones get in the way, and intimacy can start to feel like just another item on the to-do list, rather than something you truly crave. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, your relationship, or your partner; it just means the connection needs a little attention. The truth is, the “rip your clothes off” kind of desire can resurface, but it often requires safety, slowness, and space to re-emerge, and that only starts when you both start to tell the truth about what’s really getting in the way of you both connecting…starting with outside the bedroom.

How to Rebuild Intimacy Without Pushing Through:

1. Start with the truth. Sit down, when things feel calm, and talk about what’s really going on. Perhaps you both acknowledge that work is a little hectic, maybe one of you doesn’t feel great in your body, or maybe family life is making it hard to connect. Once you identify the blockers, start finding ways around them together!
2. Ditch the goal. Forget orgasm, performance, or “finishing.” Focus on connection, pleasure, and curiosity. What does it feel like to just lie in each other’s arms, have a kiss that lasts longer than a peck on the lips? Find small ways to reconnect outside of the bedroom to build closeness and that feeling of wanting each other again.
3. Create a new sensual language. Start with non-sexual touch. Explore what it’s like to touch for the sake of closeness, not arousal, or leading to sex. Promise each other to have a meaningful, no-screen time hug before you sleep. Wake up on the weekend and have a shower together, go on a date, get to know each other all over again, and hold hands, play footsie under the table. Whatever feels accessible to you both, start doing it!
4. Talk before you touch. Open up a conversation about what’s missing, what’s changed, and what you crave. Vulnerability is the gateway to true intimacy. What worked for you at the start of your relationship may not work for you now. Our bodies, lives, and desires change, so take the time to get to know what they are and what you both would like to explore. Remember, you can’t read each other’s minds, so communication is necessary for understanding each other and having the sex you both want again.
5. Get support. Sometimes, it helps to work with a sex therapist or coach to rebuild safety, communication, and desire. You don’t have to navigate this alone if you and your partner can’t seem to get on the same page.

You deserve intimacy that feels alive, not something you push through, but something you look forward to. The touch you crave is still possible. It begins with honesty and choosing to show up for yourself and each other with intention.

Want support rekindling your intimacy? Explore coaching or guided intimacy tools on Sensuali.

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.