Most couples do not struggle with sex because the sex is bad; it’s just become predictable, disconnected, and excitement has left the room. But don’t worry, it’s no one’s fault; it’s just that knowing how to ask for more or less is a language we were never taught.
Do you often find yourself:
Guessing what your partner likes.
Guessing whether a boundary will be understood or rejected.
Guessing whether a fantasy will be met with curiosity or discomfort.
Over time, that guessing creates tension and even leads to avoidance of bringing anything up. You default to what feels safe, consistent, and what you’ve repeated before. Eventually, sex can start to feel routine, performative, or quietly unsatisfying, not because desire has disappeared, but because communication has.
A “Yes, No, Maybe” list is one of the simplest and most effective tools for changing that dynamic. It creates a structured, non-confrontational way to talk about desire, curiosity, boundaries, and evolving needs. And for many couples, it becomes the first real conversation about sex they have ever had.
What is a Yes, No, Maybe list?
A Yes, No, Maybe list is a shared framework where each partner reviews a range of sexual activities, dynamics, fantasies, and experiences, and categorises them into three columns:
- Yes – I enjoy this or would enthusiastically like to explore it.
- No – This is not for me, or it is a clear boundary.
- Maybe – I feel curious, unsure, or open to this under certain conditions.
This list helps you explore what’s new, what’s changed, and where new curiosities have arisen in your desires. It is not an invitation to persuade someone into something they do not want, but to share where you both are, so you stop assuming and start aligning.
It creates a shared erotic language.
Many couples struggle to talk about sex because they lack the vocabulary. They do not know how to articulate what they want, and this list gives you language. It introduces possibilities you may not have considered, and it helps you articulate preferences in a way that feels less personal and more exploratory.
Exploring this list will help you go from feeling rejected to discovering a mismatch in assumptions rather than attraction.
Are you a sensual
professional?
Join hundreds of BDSM practitioners, content creators, erotic writers, artists, coaches, masseurs, muses and more on Sensuali
What happens when your lists do not match?
They will not match perfectly, and that is normal.
A fulfilling sex life does not require identical desires or complete alignment. It requires mutual respect, curiosity, and ongoing negotiation throughout the relationship. The goal is not to convince someone to move an item from “No” to “Yes.” The goal is to understand your shared erotic thoughts or feelings.
Compatibility is not about liking the same things. It is about how safely you can hold differences and talk about them without blame or shaming.
Why it can truly transform your sex life
At its core, a Yes, No, Maybe list does not change your sex life because of the specific activities you add or remove. It changes your sex life because it changes the emotional element around sex.
When you feel heard, you relax.
When you feel respected, you open.
When you feel safe, desire has room to open up.
Sex thrives in environments where honesty is welcomed and safety is present. But most importantly, sex thrives in the excitement that often gets lost in long-term relationships.
Want the list?
Google “Yes, No, Maybe List” online, and you will find many adaptations to explore.
April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
