In recent years, there has been a growing debate online about whether watching porn in a relationship constitutes cheating.
Much of the frustration seems to come from women who are fed up with boyfriends immersed in a porn-saturated world—partners who can’t seem to stop watching the moment their backs are turned.
And I get it. Many women are tired of feeling disrespected, of seeing their partners blindly engage with what they can see is unrealistic and objectifying content.
They’re exhausted by the relentless presence of female objectification in everyday life—so ingrained that even we, as women, internalise the male gaze. We find ourselves performing a role, sometimes even turned on by that role in ways that feel both unsettling and familiar.
It’s exhausting trying to navigate our own pleasure, our relationships, and our boundaries in this complex cultural landscape.
At the same time, I believe that indulging in solo pleasure whilst in a relationship is not only important—it’s essential.
Maintaining your sexual identity as an autonomous individual is crucial to your overall wellbeing.
That’s not to say that the growing numbers of porn addiction should be ignored, or that your partner who fails to recognise how their consumption affects your relationship should be let off the hook. These are all real issues, and ones that shouldn’t be ignored.
But – I also don’t believe that watching porn, or generally exploring your own sexuality is inherently wrong when you’re in a relationship. It all comes down to mindful consumption, ethical choices, and a balanced perspective.
Why is solo pleasure essential?
Sexual pleasure is healthy, natural, and (very) good for you. I mean, orgasms are proven to reduce anxiety, and the serene state we often feel after climaxing is proof enough without the stats.
Your sexual energy is far more powerful than we often realise. It’s a deep life force – one that massively fuels creativity and overall wellbeing. In other words, having an orgasm doesn’t just satisfy your physical needs, it satisfies you emotionally and energetically.
But experiencing this pleasure shouldn’t be something you rely on your partner for entirely. The reality is, couples often have differing libidos, and it’s neither fair nor sustainable to expect one person to meet all of their partner’s sexual needs.
Your sexual desire shouldn’t always be tied to your relationship. Cultivating intimacy with yourself is just as important as the intimacy you share with your partner. Exploring your own pleasure keeps your erotic energy alive, fluid, and ever-evolving. It brings freshness into your life and relationship rather than taking something away.
Your sexual identity is a fundamental part of who you are. Yet women, in particular, have been socialised to set it aside in relationships—shaping themselves around their partner’s desires and focusing on what they want.
This can actually end up leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled, as a healthy sexual relationship means sharing authentic sexual energy and bouncing off of one another.
You also might have a kink that your partner doesn’t share and doesn’t want to explore with you, but that doesn’t mean it should be completely forgotten. It’s a part of who you are, and something you should feel free to still explore alone.
Keeping a part of your sexuality just for yourself is an act of self-love, confidence, and empowerment.
What does solo pleasure look like?
- Watching porn or erotic film.
- Reading erotica or listening to sensual audio.
- Imagining erotic scenarios.
- Discovering new sensations, including sex toys.
- Trying a sensual dance class.
- Exploring sensual touch with a somatic coach or massage therapist.
- Attending a workshop, retreat, or sensual event.
- Learning about the worlds of kink or Tantra.
The list goes on!
Even if you don’t feel naturally inclined to explore these things; maybe you don’t feel your sex drive is very high, remember that sex fuels sex- in other words, stepping outside of your comfort zone and immersing yourself in some sensual spaces might in turn, help to ignite your sex drive.
As with everything, it’s about creating boundaries that feel right for both partners. But remember – being in a relationship doesn’t mean your sexual self belongs to someone else, just as theirs doesn’t belong to you.
Join Sensuali, where you can expand your sexual horizons and learn more about your desires.
Read:Exploring Your Sensual Identity: A Guide to Finding What Feels Good.
