Menopause can change your desire, body and experience of sex, but that doesn’t mean your sex life is over or that you need to “get your old libido back.” Instead of forcing what used to work, get curious about what feels good now. Change the sex, remove the pressure and remember: your pleasure is allowed to evolve with you.
Maybe you rarely think about sex anymore. Maybe it takes longer to feel turned on. Perhaps touch that once felt good now feels uncomfortable, or you still want intimacy, but your body doesn’t seem to respond in the same way. Whatever has changed for you during this period of your life, you are not alone, and this is completely normal.
The reality is that menopause can affect your sex life, how you feel about your body and even your ability to manage relationships, but it’s rarely as simple as “my hormones changed, so my libido disappeared, so sex is off the table.”
Your hormones influence desire, yes, but it’s also influenced by your thoughts, environment, relationships, work, sleep, medication and even the kind of sex you’re actually having right now. Which leads me onto…
Sometimes…the sex itself needs to change.
This is one of the most important conversations we can have about desire, sex and changes in our bodies, especially the menopause.
If you aren’t particularly interested in the sex that’s usually happening, increasing your libido isn’t necessarily the answer. This is where people find themselves stuck in the same loop. Stop repeating what’s not working.
You wouldn’t keep eating the same meal you didn’t enjoy, so why do it with sex?
Perhaps penetration isn’t as pleasurable anymore, or maybe you want slower sex, longer foreplay, more clitoral stimulation or more lubricant (which you should be using regardless of menopause). Perhaps you need more emotional connection or to be touched differently. Or maybe you’ve spent years having sex that prioritised somebody else’s pleasure, and you’re no longer willing to do that. Now is your chance to switch it up, ditch what’s not working and adapt rather than perform.
So, one thing I want you to explore today is instead of asking yourself “How do I make myself want sex again?” try asking “What kind of sex would actually be worth wanting?” especially now your body requires extra support and care during this phase of your life.
Asking yourself this question can open up a completely different conversation. Because society, pop culture and even porn have us believing sex needs to look a certain way, but as we all know, what we see is for entertainment, not reality, not for everyone’s bodies and not to everyone’s taste.
What would make sex more accessible, and more importantly, something you want to return to time and time again?
You don’t have to get your “old libido” back.
We often talk about menopause as though the goal is to restore everything to how it was before. But your sex life doesn’t have to look the same at 50, 55 or 60 as it did at 25. In fact, you don’t even have to have sex if you want it off the menu for a while.
- You are allowed to need more time.
- You are allowed to use lubricant.
- You are allowed to take penetration off the table.
- You are allowed to introduce toys.
- You are allowed to want sex less frequently.
- You are allowed to want different kinds of sex.
- You are allowed never to want it again.
Menopause may change your sexual landscape, but change doesn’t have to mean the end of pleasure or even trying to force it to happen at all. Sometimes it simply means learning the new normal and ensuring those decisions are yours and yours alone.
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Your relationship with your body might have changed too.
Menopause can happen alongside significant physical and emotional changes. Many women are not only having to accept this new phase of life but also trying to navigate weight changes, skin changes (including the genital skin), energy shifts and mood.
You might not recognise yourself in quite the same way, and that’s a lot to manage physically and mentally. For some people, this affects how comfortable they feel being seen or even touched.
So, if the menopause is something you are currently navigating, I gently encourage you to be curious about the body you have now.
- What feels good now?
- Where do you enjoy being touched?
- What kind of stimulation does your body respond to?
- What makes you feel sensual?
- What no longer works for you?
There is no rule that says penetration has to remain the main event.
The new you is waiting to be discovered.
Menopause doesn’t have to be about getting back to the person you were before, or trying to force your body to respond in ways that no longer feel natural, pleasurable or desirable.
Remember, it’s ok to give yourself permission to get curious rather than critical finally. Explore what feels good without putting pressure on where it needs to lead or how it needs to look, communicate what has changed with your partner if you have one, and remember that pleasure doesn’t have an expiry date, but neither is it something you owe anyone.
Your sex life gets to evolve alongside you and your changing body.
Sources & further reading.
- Dr Mary Claire Haver. The New Perimenopause: An Evidence-Based Guide to Surviving the Zone of Chaos and Feeling Like Yourself Again
- Dr Louise Newson. Safe sex and menopause
