What’s Really Happening When We Don’t Feel Like Sex

Sexual desire can be beautifully complex and sometimes frustratingly elusive. If you’ve ever wondered, Why don’t I feel like having sex lately? You’re not alone. Whether it’s been a few days, months, or even longer, a dip in libido can stir up confusion, shame, or self-doubt. But the truth is, not feeling like sex is a sign that something is worth exploring.

At Sensuali, we believe in approaching sexuality with compassion and a sense of curiosity. So, let’s break the silence and unpack what’s really going on when desire feels distant and how you might begin to rediscover it on your own terms.

1. Desire isn’t always spontaneous, and that’s normal.

We’re often sold the idea that desire should hit like a lightning bolt. That sex should be an instant and spontaneous act that can happen at the flick of a switch. However, desire is either responsive or contextual for many people rather than spontaneous. That means the desire for sex happens after something sexy happens, like being touched a certain way or seeing something visually stimulating. For those who are more contextual, this means that everything needs to be right before the desire for sex even happens—for example, a clean space, no distractions or fresh sheets.  

So, if you’re waiting for the ‘urge’ to magically appear before being sexual? You might be missing the cues that your body and mind need to be gently encouraged to switch on.

2. Life stress is the ultimate libido killer.

When your mind is full of to-do lists, work stress, or emotional overwhelm, sex can drop to the bottom of your priorities — and your body responds accordingly. Chronic stress triggers cortisol, a hormone that interferes with sex hormones like testosterone and oestrogen. The result? A nervous system that’s in survival mode, not pleasure mode.

Add in sleep deprivation, parenting, or financial worries, and it’s no wonder desire might take a back seat. Your body might not be saying “I don’t want sex,” but rather, “I don’t feel safe or resourced enough to want sex right now.”

So what can you do?

1. Identify the emotional and physical blockers.

2. Prioritise regulation before arousal.

3. Create micro-moments of pleasure.

4. Ask for support.

Desire isn’t just about hormones or horniness — it’s deeply tied to how safe, held, and cared for you feel in your day-to-day life. When you meet those needs first, the rest often follows.

3. Hormones, Health, and Medication Matter

Changes in desire can also be linked to hormonal changes (think menstruation, menopause, pregnancy, or postnatal recovery), chronic illness, or side effects from medication like antidepressants or birth control. Other factors can also include alcohol consumption or smoking, as well as the amount of physical exercise you engage in each day.

Rather than blaming yourself, it can be powerful to ask: What’s going on in my body? Are there physical changes, pain, or fatigue that are influencing my relationship with sex? What can I do to help support my body and how I feel about it sexually?

4. Cultural shame and sexual scripts

Many of us carry internalised beliefs about what sex should look like — performative, goal-oriented, consistently orgasmic and must include penetration. If you’ve been raised with shame, silence, or unrealistic expectations around sex, your body might be resisting the script, not the act itself.

Exploring your authentic relationship with pleasure, without pressure to perform, can unlock new ways of connecting to your desire. A great way to explore this is with a professional, such as a sex coach or therapist, here at Sensuali. They can help you explore unhelpful and outdated beliefs around sex and help you tune into what sex really means to you.

So… how do you begin to rediscover the sex that you want?

• Start with self-connection. Set aside performance and tune into what feels good — touch, fantasy, movement, or breath. Masturbation, body mapping, or just noticing sensation can be powerful tools for reawakening desire.
• Take the pressure off sex. Think of intimacy as a spectrum — from cuddling and kissing to sensual massage or shared pleasure without penetration. Reframing what ‘counts’ as sex can reignite desire gently and organically.
• Get curious, not critical. Journaling, working with a sex-positive therapist or coach, or exploring educational content (like what you’ll find right here on Sensuali) can help you unpick the roots of your desire, or lack thereof.
• Reconnect with pleasure, not performance. This might mean slowing down, exploring new sensations or fantasies, or redefining what arousal means for you, especially if your body has changed.

You don’t need to “fix” yourself. You start by meeting yourself with softness and curiosity. Because rediscovering desire isn’t about returning to how things were — it’s about rewriting your sensual story.

Work with a sex coach on Sensuali

Read more on Sensuali – Love, Labels, & Fluidity: Owning Your Desires (Even if You’re Not ‘Out’)

April Maria

Author

April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.