Touching Truths: 6 Anonymous Masturbation Diaries

Masturbation is often portrayed as a typical aspect of male adolescence, with the image of the teenage boy exploring his sexuality being commonplace in media. But when it comes to girls, it’s a lot quieter. Female masturbation is still more taboo and less talked about, leading to shame and confusion, especially in our younger years.

In light of International Masturbation Month, I spoke to six women and men in their 20s about their solo habits. These honest accounts reveal a broader picture of what self-pleasure really looks like.

Note: All participant names have been changed to maintain confidentiality.

Jess (24, Bicurious)

I couldn’t even tell you how old I was when I first masturbated but I still remember the shock and overwhelming pleasure that was my first orgasm. It was (and I don’t exaggerate here), life changing.

I had heard about girls messing around ‘down there’ and it feeling good so I tried it and it was just like my body took over and just knew what to do. Then, bam – the best feeling I have ever experienced.

I normally do it 3-4 times a month at the moment, but sometimes 4 times in one day! When I masturbate now, 90% of the time I will use porn, usually because it turns me on quicker, and I lead a busy life so I rarely take the time to enjoy it over a long period.

The things that turn me on most are the things that are widely seen as taboo, for example ‘home intruder’ or BDSM. I like to see a woman in uncontrollable pleasure and imagine I’m her, but mostly it depends on how I’m feeling.

If I’m craving intimacy and love then I go for soft porn. I usually have to go through a few videos to realise what I’m really craving.

Masturbating for me is an empowering experience and has taught me about what makes my body tick, which can then be transferred into actual sexual experiences where you can tell people what you want.

I will masturbate while single or in a relationship. When you’re in a long term relationship, you will likely go through periods where you’re too busy or tired for sex, so whipping the vibrator out now and then is enough to satisfy your inner sexual goddess.

Charlotte (22, Straight)

I remember the first time I masturbated I was 16. I had lost my virginity when I was 14 but I didn’t think I could get myself off. I would just get bored or tired, it didn’t feel right.

Nowadays I tend to do it whenever I am alone in my room: when I wake up, when I go to sleep, during the day if I’m bored. I still do it when in a relationship, though sometimes I forget about it and go a week or so without doing it.

I have never used a sex toy, only ever my hand. It tends to take me under a minute or two. It used to take around ten minutes when I first started. I don’t even really need mental stimulation. I can do it whilst watching the news- I purely get off on the feeling.

I often listen to music whilst doing it, usually dreamy, airy fairy music. The first time I made myself come I was listening to Silk by Wolf Alice. I tend to feel fine afterwards, but it’s often hard for me to stop as I just keep going over and over again.

I once did it for 3 hours and started crying because I had to get up early in the morning- it can feel quite compulsive. I find it calms me down a lot; it used to make me fall asleep but I’ve become a bit desensitised to that feeling.

It’s only ever clitoral stimulation and I’ve never come through penetration, though I think I prefer it.

Hope (24, Bisexual)

I have honestly masturbated ever since I can remember, before I actually knew what it really was. Then after some sexual trauma, it took me a couple of years or so to relearn that sex isn’t dirty, and neither is pleasuring myself or being a sexual person.

When I started masturbating again it was almost always at night and I used porn, mostly close-up oral sex so that I could think of someone I am attracted to (a celebrity, a character in a film, someone I am attracted to in real life) doing it to me, or real life couples.

I also opted for the close-up videos because I just couldn’t shake the fact that even lesbian porn is mostly catering for straight men, and it made me feel dirty, especially being queer myself.

I don’t think men care as much about porn being real, but for me, I hate the thought of a woman faking it to inflate a man’s ego, so it pulls me out of the mood.

Now I think about my girlfriend when I’m masturbating alone, because not only is it safe and familiar, but also because she is the person I get the most turned on by in all honesty.

Afterwards, I almost feel comforted. I usually do it before bed because it relaxes me, or sometimes in the day when I’m bored or get turned on by something I’m watching.

I used to just stimulate my clit with my fingers but now I use a vibrator. I don’t really use penetration when masturbating because I have never orgasmed from it- plus buzzing my clit makes does it for me in less than two minutes most of the time.

Matthew (26, Straight)

I started masturbating at age 7. It was a weird encounter and my mother walked in.

Masturbation is quite random for me. I don’t do it often but when I do, it’s three times a day. I tend to do it when I’m bored and have nothing else to do.

I still masturbate when I’m in a relationship. I feel like sex and self-pleasure are two different needs.

I stimulate an erection by watching porn.

Depending on my mental state I will watch very rough sex which rarely involves only two people. Either that or I watch massage parlour porn.

I normally just work with my penis, I don’t stimulate the g-spot (mainly because of trauma).

When I’m not in the mood for porn, I sometimes use my imagination. It’s always involving people I know and have an emotional connection with, and it can be either made-up scenarios or past memories. They usually start off pretty basic, but they end up with some form of pagan ritual to gods, or the fantasies may even involve gods themselves.

I’m not always involved in my own fantasies. I tend to create an alter ego to live through, where it kind-of is me but better looking, bigger muscles, taller, bigger dick!

If I’m not in the mood, I’ll make myself come quicker (within 10-15 minutes), and the longest I go for is normally around 30-45 minutes, but that’s rare in my case because I lose focus quite quickly.

Ryan (25, Straight)

I am unsure of the first time I masturbated, but I realised from a very young age that there was something unusual happening down there. Masturbation became a more regular thing in my life when I was around 10.

Its frequency really depends on how busy I am and how well I feel. My depression phases influence that. When feeling down, I tend to do it more.

Having never had a proper sexual relationship, masturbation is the only form of sexual pleasure I have ever experienced.

I have always done it bare handed, and never considered using any toy. I can’t really say that there’s a specific time of day but it’s usually at the end of the day. But when home, it can be any time, and multiple times a day.

When doing it, I usually watch porn and it usually takes between 5 to 10 minutes- maybe longer on certain occasions. I don’t have any specific views about porn. For me it’s just a thing, and like any other thing, there’s good stuff and bad stuff about it.

Because of it being my only exposure to sex, I had to be aware very early on that porn was just images, images that I only watch to satisfy my urge. A very quick thing that I clearly don’t associate to reality.

When younger, I used to fantasise and come up with scenarios. Not anymore- I got lazier with age. Scenarios I pictured myself in were mostly with my crushes back in the days. I sometimes also drew scenarios based on erotic dreams I may have had.

Now, I just watch porn, which usually goes along with the fantasy I have. I usually come when reaching the best point of pressure on my genitals. It does also happen when the images of the porn I am watching capture my fantasies the best.

When it all ends, I always feel mentally drained, ashamed and extremely disappointed; as if I just did something utterly useless. Masturbation never really satisfies me.

George (28, Bisexual)

I first masturbated when I was 16, with g-spot stimulation, so I didn’t come. I only came when I was around 17/18. I had wet dreams before that though.

Now I do it 3-4 times a week. I prefer to do it at night, but sometimes I wake up with an erection.

I like masturbation because it feels comfortable and I can regulate it. Whereas when I have sex with someone there’s complications- if I find them too attractive or I have too many feeling towards them I can’t always get hard. Or I come too quickly.

So masturbation is quite liberating for me because I’m not under pressure.

I enjoy doing it at night, it helps me get to sleep. I watch gay porn, ‘strong women’ porn; it’s not necessarily graphic porn though, it’s more suggestive and sensual. I do use my imagination as well, when the internet’s down!

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Read: What’s Really Happening When We Don’t Feel Like Sex.

Iso

Author

Iso is a writer and filmmaker based in East London. She is passionate about all things erotic and leads a sexy, shame-free life in hope that she can inspire others to do the same. Originally from a Northern seaside town, she is naturally drawn to the best things in life: candyfloss, trashy karaoke bars and heart-shaped sunglasses.