Sugar daddies. With their god complexes and incessant snoring, it’s hard to live with them. But when your bank account is in overdraft and the first of the month is fast approaching, it’s even harder to live without them. It’s natural to feel powerless from time to time when living that sugar baby life, especially given the victim-centric sex worker narrative the media is constantly inundating us with. A work meeting that runs over and results in daddy having to cancel plans is a mere blip on his radar. He can just hit up the massage parlor later that night to get his rocks off. But it’s a different story for you. You were counting on that cash “allowance” to buy groceries and pay your phone bill.
Ultra high net worth individuals are notoriously bad when it comes to paying up because for them, the outcome is inconsequential. They have no idea how big of a difference paying for an Uber ride home or taking you out to dinner post-hookup can make. Sometimes this lack of empathy stems purely from the degree to which they are out of touch with reality. But more times than not, ego is involved. They pursued a sugar baby arrangement because they didn’t like the icky feeling they got when they opted for a more transactional escort service. They want a classy young lady who doesn’t count pennies nor watch the clock.
Psychology of Sugar Relationships
Daddies want so desperately to believe that some vivacious hottie is spending quality time with them because she loves it. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn’t. Either way, she has entered this relationship with the expectation that she will be receiving some kind of compensation or opportunity, and it’s bullshit to dangle a proverbial carrot or make her jump through hoops to get that. Daddies need to stop thinking of babies who are upfront about their financial expectations as déclassé and calculated and start respecting them as the savvy business women they are.
If telling yourself you’re an artist seeking patronage makes the whole thing more palatable, have at it. Just never forget the power you hold. Yes, sugar babying comes with its fair share of infantilization and dependency, but as famed psychologist, Alfred Adler (1870-1937), would argue, the baby has all the power. In his words: “If we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be, the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.”
Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi, who co-authored a book about Adlerian psychology called The Courage to Be Disliked, had the following to add: “The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him.” In other words, everyone is beholden to the baby but the baby is beholden to no one.
Applying Adlerian Psychology to Sex Work
This whole baby-power thing totally applies to sugaring, in the sense that the sugar baby has way more power than she realizes. She is free to sleep with who she wants and cut people out from her life when she sees fit. She makes her own schedule and is always ready for an (all-expenses-paid) adventure, whether it’s VIP tickets to a dance performance or a weekend ski trip. The daddy, however, is trapped in a castle of his own making, with a life, family, and career tying him down to structure and routine. For him, spending time with a sugar baby is an escape from the mundane; the saving grace to a life of mediocrity; an outlet where he can express himself freely.
Don’t let the transactional nature of a sugar-daddy relationship fool you. These are real humans with real emotions and desires. Daddies truly do give a shit about their babies and want to satisfy them. As such, sugar babies should milk them for all they are worth. If a daddy has the means and love for you, is there really any more of a power position to be in than that of his sugar baby? You have him wrapped around your little finger. Leverage that pussy power into whatever floats your boat – cash, real estate, travel – and never forget that you, the baby, are the one who holds the upper hand.
The Baby: Living to Be Served
It is you who gets to enjoy the finer things on someone else’s dime and who has the freedom to walk away at any point. There are plenty of other daddies in the sea to use Adlerian psychology on. Be the person who makes a man feel needed and appreciated, even when you know you’re a badass bitch who doesn’t actually need anything from any man. Sometimes in order to win the game, you have to swallow your pride and appease a man’s appetite to play knight-in-shining-armor.
Not only does doing so leave him feeling powerful, but the vulnerability you express by voicing something as simple as, “I have to be honest. I’m really struggling to make rent this month and could use an extra $1,000,” gives him the perfect opening to swoop in and save the day. You get your needs met and his ego remains healthily boosted. It’s time to flip the sugar baby script from one of financial dependency and sexual exploitation to that of autonomy and empowerment.
In the grand scheme of the 21st century patriarchal, capitalist society we find ourselves living in, is it the babies – who are being pampered and living a life beyond their means in exchange for stroking some rich guy’s ego – or the rich guys – who constantly work in order to sustain their outrageously materialistic, spiritually devoid lifestyles and take care of their dependents – who actually hold the power? One lives to serve; the other lives to be served.
Jules
Based in Brooklyn, Jules has dedicated her twenties towards harnessing her pussy power, exploring the muse, whore, and wild woman archetypes along the way. When not blogging, you can find her sweating the toxins out in a hot yoga class or sipping a matcha latte at a pretentious coffee shop, whilst she scribbles away in her journal.
