Talking about your desires can feel vulnerable and exposing. Many of us grow up without the language to express what we enjoy, or with messages that sex and pleasure are something to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. Also, past experiences, fear of rejection, people-pleasing, or worrying about hurting your partner’s feelings can also make it difficult to speak up.
Many of us grew up learning how to be attractive, considerate or "good" partners, but very few of us were taught how to recognise and communicate what we want. Sometimes we fear rejection, other times we worry our desires are "too much" or "not enough", most times we haven't even given ourselves permission to explore them yet.
One exercise I recommend is to start by getting curious with yourself before involving (a) partner(s). Ask yourself:
What experiences make me feel most alive? What emotions do I want to feel during intimacy? What am I curious about, even if I'm not sure I'd want to try it?
Notice that these questions aren't only about sexual acts, they're about the emotional experience you're seeking.
When you do decide to share, try doing it outside the bedroom. Approach the conversation as an invitation rather than a request or confession. Curiosity creates far more safety than pressure. And also, remember: desire isn't something you either know or don't know; i's something you can discover throughout your life!
*If exploring these conversations feels challenging, working with an intimacy professional can help you understand your desires and communicate them with greater confidence. Sensuali offers access to practitioners with a wide range of approaches, allowing you to find someone who feels like the right fit for your journey.
Want to ask a follow-up or post your own question?