What you'll know after reading this
- Orgasm is as much psychological as physical — safety, trust and imagination all play a role
- There is no hierarchy of orgasms; modern research finds no basis for ranking one type above another
- Pleasure is a practice, not a fixed talent — curiosity and time invested in your body can expand what's possible
There is no universal recipe for female orgasm. Pleasure is shaped by psychology, nervous system patterns and lived experience as much as by physical stimulation. Whether you rarely orgasm, orgasm easily or are still figuring it out, this guide is an invitation to get curious about your body rather than chase a result.
If there is one thing I have learned about female orgasm, it is this: there is no universal recipe.
A few years ago, I attended a weekend workshop: Sex Club, led by the wonderful Jules where the only agenda was to talk about sex. At one point, we sat in a circle and were asked to each answer the question:
“How do you experience orgasm?”
I was surprised to see that there was absolutely no similar answer.
One woman described it as a wave rising through her entire body. Another compared it to an electric explosion. Someone else said it felt like dissolving into space, while another admitted she rarely orgasms but feels a lot of pleasure during sex.
Then came a second question:
“What if we removed orgasm from sex. How would that feel for you?”
Again, the responses varied wildly.
“I would finally relax and enjoy myself without anything to achieve.”
“I would feel frustrated. Orgasm is necessary for me every time I have sex.”
“My best sexual experiences had no orgasm.”
Listening to these women, I realised that orgasm is perhaps one of the most personal experiences we can have. It cannot be reduced to a single sensation, a single technique or a single destination.
Your brain is your biggest sexual organ
When people search “how to orgasm,” they often expect practical instructions.
But one of the most surprising discoveries of my own journey is that orgasm is not only physical. It is profoundly psychological.
During an orgasmic hypnosis session with practitioner David Marius, I experienced repeated waves of pleasure guided only by his voice and my imagination. There was no physical
If there is one thing I have learned about female orgasm, it is this: there is no universal recipe.
A few years ago, I attended a weekend workshop: Sex Club, led by the wonderful Jules where the only agenda was to talk about sex. At one point, we sat in a circle and were asked to each answer the question:
“How do you experience orgasm?”
I was surprised to see that there was absolutely no similar answer.
One woman described it as a wave rising through her entire body. Another compared it to an electric explosion. Someone else said it felt like dissolving into space, while another admitted she rarely orgasm but feels a lot of pleasure during sex.
Then came a second question:
“What if we removed orgasm from sex. How would that feel for you?”
Again, the responses varied wildly.
“I would finally relax and enjoy myself without anything to achieve.”
“I would feel frustrated. Orgasm is necessary for me every time I have sex”
“My best sexual experiences had no orgasm.”
Listening to these women, I realised that orgasm is perhaps one of the most personal experiences we can have. It cannot be reduced to a single sensation, a single technique or a single destination.
Your brain is your biggest sexual organ
When people search “how to orgasm,” they often expect practical instructions.
But one of the most surprising discoveries of my own journey is that orgasm is not only physical. It is profoundly psychological.
During an orgasmic hypnosis session with practitioner David Marius, I experienced repeated waves of pleasure guided only by his voice and my imagination. There was no physical stimulation involved, yet my body responded with undeniable intensity. He even empowered me to control the waves of pleasure myself while being in the trance.
That experience completely shifted my understanding of pleasure.
It reminded me that our minds and bodies are in constant conversation. Safety, trust, relaxation, expectation and imagination all influence how easily we experience arousal and orgasm.
Sometimes the most important thing we can do is not stimulate the body more, but quiet the mind.
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There is no hierarchy of orgasms
For decades, harmful myths suggested that some orgasms were “better” or “more mature” than others.
One of the most famous came from Sigmund Freud, who distinguished between so-called clitoral and vaginal orgasms and implied that the latter represented psychological maturity.
Modern research paints a far more nuanced picture. The clitoris plays a central role in female sexual pleasure, including during many experiences involving penetration, and there is no scientific basis for ranking one type of orgasm above another.
An orgasm is not a goal to achieve but simply one possible expression of pleasure.
Pleasure is something we learn and practice
One idea that fascinates me is how adaptable our nervous system is.
The beautiful consequence is that pleasure can also evolve.
We can discover new ways of touching ourselves, breathing, moving or relating to our bodies. We can become more sensitive, more curious and more aware than we were before.
In many ways, pleasure is less a fixed talent than an ongoing practice.
Just as musicians train their ears, dancers practice their movements and chefs refine their recipes, if you want to experience greater pleasure, consider investing quality time dedicated to pleasure exploration.
Slowing down can intensify everything
For years, I thought orgasm resembled a rollercoaster: climbing rapidly towards a peak before plunging into release.
Of course it still does and this is one evident way to experience orgasm.
But through exploring tantra and mindful touch, I discovered new possibilities.
Instead of racing toward a finish line, pleasure can unfold like the gentle waves of the Mediterranean Sea, arriving one after another, each complete in itself, without needing to become larger or more dramatic.
The irony is that when I stopped demanding “more,” my appreciation of subtle sensations grew enormously. Sometimes the quietest experiences become the deepest ones.
Many women notice that building arousal gradually can create richer experiences than rushing toward climax.
Practices such as slowing down, edging, varying rhythm, focusing on breathing or pausing before the point of orgasm can heighten awareness and deepen pleasure.
Likewise, some people find that multiple orgasms become possible through patience and continued exploration, while others are perfectly content with a single release or none at all.
There is no correct outcome. The goal is not to perform but to listen and be curious to explore your pleasure in new ways.
Your whole body can become an erogenous zone
One of the biggest surprises of my own exploration has been discovering how responsive the rest of the body can become when given enough attention.
Pleasure does not have to remain concentrated in one place.
Breath, movement, relaxation and mindful touch can help create the feeling that sensual energy is spreading throughout the entire body rather than staying localised.
This sensitivity often develops gradually.
Like learning a musical instrument, the more time and curiosity we invest in our pleasure, the richer the experience can become.
Some people can have developed numbness due to previous experiences. Through tantra massage and dearmoring or just slow touches on ourselves it is possible to re-sensitivise the body. I personally never experienced a breast orgasm for 37 years… until I did one day with a very patient and caring lover.
Tantra, somatics and new ways of experiencing pleasure
Exploring tantra massage introduced me to a completely different relationship with pleasure.
Instead of chasing an endpoint, I discovered the beauty of receiving touch with no pressure to achieve anything at all. I learned that warmth, presence and breath could be just as transformative as intensity.
Similarly, somatic practices invite us to reconnect with bodily sensations, release tension and become more aware of the subtle signals our nervous system is constantly sending.
For women who feel disconnected from their bodies or stuck in repetitive patterns, working with qualified tantra or somatic practitioners can open entirely new perspectives on intimacy and self-discovery.
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Exploring new frontiers of pleasure: cervix orgasm, squirting and more
One of the most exciting discoveries in my own journey has been realising that there is always more to explore. We often grow up believing that orgasm follows one predictable path, only to discover later in life that our bodies are capable of a remarkable diversity of sensations and responses.
Take cervical pleasure, for example.
Reaching this kind of pleasure is rarely about pushing harder or going deeper. It requires trust, patience, relaxation and learning to listen to the body’s signals. Some women explore cervical touch through mindful self-exploration, with a trusted partner or with specialised tools such as cervix wands designed for gentle exploration.
The same curiosity applies to squirting. For some women, it accompanies orgasm; for others, it happens independently, and many never experience it at all. Squirting is simply one possible bodily response and should never be seen as proof of pleasure or sexual success.
If these experiences spark your curiosity, there is no need to rush. Working with experienced tantra practitioners, somatic educators or intimacy professionals can provide a safe space to explore your body, release tension and discover new forms of pleasure at your own pace.
The goal is not to collect different kinds of orgasms like trophies. It is to develop a more intimate relationship with yourself and to remain open to the possibility that your body still has many beautiful surprises waiting to be discovered.
The most important lesson
If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this:
Stop trying to orgasm, start trying to become curious.
Stop expecting others to make you orgasm, start investing time into your pleasure.
Curious about your breath, your fantasies, your emotions, your nervous system, your pace, your preferences and your body’s remarkable capacity to surprise you.
The paradox is that orgasm often arrives most easily when it is no longer treated as a performance or a finish line, but simply as one possible expression of a deeper relationship with pleasure.
Your body is not a machine waiting for the correct instruction manual. It is a living landscape that changes and evolves throughout your life, and the more curiosity, patience and dedication you bring to it, the more pleasure and surprises it may reveal.
Below are some practitioners I know and love, who hold sessions to help you explore deep pleasure.
My recommended practitioners
— To support you in pleasure & orgasm
Sources & further reading.
- Pfaus, J., Quintana Zunino, G., Mac Cionnaith, C. & Parada, M., 2016. The whole versus the sum of some of the parts: toward resolving the apparent controversy of clitoral versus vaginal orgasms
- Sigmund Freud, 1905. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality
- Anne Koedt, 1968 (published 1970. The Myth of the Vaginal Orgasm
- Komisaruk et al., 2017. Brain Activity Unique to Orgasm in Women: An fMRI Analysis
