Low libido in women: causes, myths and what you can do

Low libido is one of the most common concerns women bring into intimacy work and one of the most misunderstood and often misdiagnosed in my opinion. Low desire isn’t a defect. Instead I see it as a signal that is pointing toward something that has been ignored, avoided, unmet, or misunderstood. What if instead of a dead end, we saw that our low libido wasn’t the problem… but the messenger?

Low libido isn’t random and more importantly, something can often be done about it without immediately defaulting to expensive medication, another supplement protocol sold on IG, or an expensive vibrator that still doesn’t get to the root of what’s actually happening in the dip in desire. (Though, for the record, I’m not entirely anti-vibrator. I’m just pro-understanding why your body may have stopped responding in the first place.)

The good news? Once you understand what may actually be influencing your desire specifically, things begin to make a lot more sense.

So let’s unpack some of the most common contributors to low libido so you can decide what feels useful, relevant, and true for your unique experience.

Resentment and withholds: the hidden libido killers

One of the lowest hanging fruits—and sneakiest blockers—of desire is resentment and withholds. Most couples who come into my office are desperate for that spark to ignite again, and instead of immediately offering some peak erotic experience, I guide them to this initial preliminary first step: clearing any lingering resentments and withholds that may still be quietly sitting between them.

A withhold is any unexpressed thought, feeling, disappointment, need, or observation that you are quietly holding back from someone else (likely your romantic partner in this case), and over time, those unspoken things—no matter how seemingly insignificant—begin creating an energetic wall and subtle closing down of the body that quietly prevents true intimacy, emotional closeness, and erotic connection from flowing. Until these layers are addressed, I find it incredibly difficult to get to the juicy stuff in intimacy.

Funny how we as women are often nudged to gloss over a dip in desire by spending hundreds, if not thousands, on vacations, drop-shipped hormones, lingerie, supplements, and crystal toys before ever getting curious enough to ask whether something like resentment quietly moved into the bedroom one week, five years, or even fifteen years ago and simply never left.

Because in my experience, I know far too many women—in both my personal life and my work—who are still, to this day, carrying hurts, disappointments, betrayals, or deep pains connected to the masculine, whether from a former partner or someone they are still currently in relationship with, that happened years ago and were never fully unpacked, repaired, expressed, or metabolized.

The phrase “letting something go” isn’t just some catchy wellness saying—it is often an intimacy and health practice. Because what happens when we hang onto, minimize, or brush aside our pain, resentment, grief, disappointment, or years of unmet needs? Slowly, they begin to harden. They create distance and dis-ease. They quietly poison the well of connection, making softness, trust, surrender, and openness far more difficult to access.

While resentment may not seem like a libido issue on the surface, in my experience, it is one of the biggest desire killers out there.

Not because women stop loving their partners, but because the body becomes far less willing to soften and open to pleasure when even the smallest unresolved hurt is still quietly sitting in the room between two people.

Sharing withholds and resentments has the ability to:

• Rebuild trust by dismantling the invisible walls built up by passive-aggression, disappointments or unspoken distance.
• Take emotional responsibility by allowing you to own your experience and “let it go” rather than letting distressing emotions fester.
• Deepen connection which allows people to interact based on radical honesty rather than social politeness.

Responsive desire and low libido in women

Most women don’t experience what’s called spontaneous desire — the kind that arrives out of nowhere, fully formed, ready to go.

Instead, many women experience responsive desire, meaning arousal and interest emerge in response to something from the outside coming in such as touch, connection, safety, playfulness, anticipation, inspiration, affection, or even simply slowing down enough to feel.

This isn’t a problem. It’s just how many women’s bodies actually work.

And this is exactly why learning to approach intimacy with curiosity and a gentle openness of “I’m open to the possibility…” can be so fundamentally helpful.

Because if you’re waiting to magically “feel like it” before even engaging in intimacy, well… Sister, that moment may never fully arrive.

And this is because your body is often designed to warm up through the experience, not necessarily before it.

Which, if you think about it, changes the whole conversation around desire.

What you can do about it:

Start small. Communicate with your partner what exactly you are exploring within yourself around responsive desire, this way they can engage with you in curiosity without performance.

Begin with things like clothes on, non-sexual touch, sensual connection, affectionate closeness, or even just a few intentional minutes of breathing together.

Give your body permission to ease in and move towards what feels good rather than expecting it to arrive hot, bothered, and effortlessly available after a long day of rushing around, emails, caretaking, deadlines, and mental gymnastics. Responsive desire often needs a longer runway.

Once you understand that, the pressure to instantly “be in the mood” begins to soften and have more space. You stop fighting your body and start meeting it where it actually is in gentleness rather than pressure.

And from there? You become open to possibility.

How context shapes female desire

Desire doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It responds to context and context is deeply personal.

That means the environment, the emotional tone of your relationship, how safe you feel, how you feel about your body, their smell, how stressed you are, whether resentment is quietly simmering under the surface, how much mental load you’re carrying, and whether intimacy feels like another task on the to-do list or an actual exhale.

Your body might be constantly asking and tracking things like…

Is this really a good time? Can I relax here or is there something that needs my attention before I can let go? Is it lighting, a clean room, a silenced phone, a hot shower? Is there something I am still upset about in any way with this person I have yet to clear?

And if the answer is no to these — even subtly — desire has a hard time blooming.

I see this all the time with women who feel like they should just want sex, but their body just isn’t responding to the initiations and desires of their partners. It’s often not that they don’t love their partner.

It’s not even necessarily that anything is terribly wrong. Instead, it’s that the context isn’t conducive to relaxation, pleasure, openness, or surrender.

Funny how we’re expected to feel wildly erotic while simultaneously carrying the mental loads, the grocery list, emotional labor, tomorrow’s appointments, and three lingering relationship conversations and micro withholds in the back of our minds.

What you can do about it:

Get honest about what’s actually happening in your life and relationships when you take the time to look deeper. Honestly.

Are you constantly managing everything around the house? Is there any part of you that feels like things don’t feel equal or fair?

Is there unspoken tension that needs clearing, no matter how petty or small?

Do you feel seen, desired, and genuinely met in areas that are important to you?

Does intimacy feel rushed, pressured, performative — or simply not quite the right flavor for you?

Because if there is even a little shred of this being the case, your body isn’t being difficult. It’s being accurate if you know how to listen.

Start noticing what genuinely helps you soften and feel open to your partner. Maybe it’s a class for you and your partner to break some patterns that aren’t working for you but you don’t necessarily want to be the one who teaches, guides or instructs him.

Or, maybe it’s more subtle things like a clean bedroom with soft lighting, a locked door, knowing the kids are asleep, a meaningful conversation earlier in the day that leaves you feeling connected. Or maybe it’s as simple as requesting things to move a lot slower.

Remember that these aren’t luxuries nor are they insignificant ways to support yourself.

View them as conditions and elements of care that help your nervous system shift out of stress and into receptivity.

And where there is receptivity, there is often an opening into the erotic.

Can you increase female libido? Why desire is a trainable skill

Here’s the part most people don’t realize: desire is a skill you can develop.

Just like your body can be trained to feel more sensation, relax more deeply, or regulate stress more effectively, it can also be trained to access deeper, more expansive pleasure.

This can be developed through attention, repetition and actual practice. I suggest learning new erotic skills on your own or with your partner. Focusing on expanding what are the things you enjoy, how your body loves to express and what lights you up.

The nervous system’s role in low female libido

Emotional safety isn’t just a feeling — it’s a deep physiological state.

Your nervous system is constantly scanning for modern day threat, and if you are someone who has been running on empty, experiencing an uptick in cortisol flooding your system, feeling emotionally disconnected, or quietly annoyed by something unresolved within the relationship, the body often reads that as stress and threat, cortisol floods in and the body shifts into preservation mode. Bye desire — because it’s time to survive.

Arousal and threat detection don’t thrive at the same time. The body is constantly prioritizing survival, and when stress is present in the system, it adapts by protecting, tightening, bracing, or pulling away.

You’ll notice lubrication decreases, sensitivity drops or changes or seems to disappear altogether. The body becomes less receptive to pleasure — literally — because it’s paying attention and responding intelligently to what feels unresolved, stressful, or emotionally unsafe, even on a micro level registered in the system as stress and threat.

In this modern age I believe we minimize or brush over life’s stresses too much, not recognizing the collateral damage even a small amount of ongoing acute stress can do to our bodies and our hormones.

Which is why, when women tell me, “I just don’t feel desire anymore,” we don’t begin with hot clit techniques, novelty, or a shopping spree for fantasy play. Similar to the conversation around resentments and withholds, we begin by tracking what may still be happening in the body and within the relationship that is quietly asking for attention. What feels stressful? What feels unresolved? Where is the nervous system still bracing?

Because the body tends to tell the truth, even when cognitively we are trying to override what is happening because “it’s not that big of a deal.”

I can think of several moments in my own life in my late 40s where my body went completely offline erotically.

I experienced numbness, little to no lubrication, difficulty climaxing — even alone with a sophisticated dependable vibrator — and I remember wondering if this was simply perimenopause and something I needed to accept and suffer through.

But interestingly, once I had some difficult but necessary conversations with my partner and adjusted aspects of the relationship so things felt more authentic, connected, and emotionally honest, something shifted almost immediately. My body’s lubrication returned. Sensitivity came back online. My vulva felt more receptive again. Magic? Sure! Funny how that works, right?

The nervous system will often prioritize stress and perceived threat over pleasure. It’s survival. Which is exactly why taking honest inventory of what may be happening underneath the surface matters so much but is often ignored. Because what feels “normal” or inevitable may actually be something your body is trying to communicate — and something you can begin to consciously shift rather than simply accept.

If you’re chronically stressed — even subtly, day after day — and not regularly doing the supportive things that help you settle, regulate, and return to a healthier baseline, your system can stay activated far longer than you realize. Which means desire doesn’t necessarily disappear. It often gets drowned out to protect you and keep you surviving, which is what so many of us are struggling with in modern life.

However, when you feel safer, there’s less cortisol flooding your system, you’re more relaxed, emotionally connected, and genuinely at ease? The body has more room to move toward pleasure, curiosity, sensation feels safe to feel, and there is room for the erotic.

Take an honest inventory of things like:

— A honest conversation you’ve been avoiding
— Delegating tasks instead of carrying everything yourself
— Saying no to obligations that quietly drain you while you endure
— Asking for a different pace or flavor of intimacy instead of simply going along with what isn’t working
— Creating more space for pleasure that isn’t performance-based

Because desire often returns when the body no longer feels like it has to protect itself.

Hormonal causes of low libido in women

Of course, check with a doctor that specializes in women’s hormone care because there are absolutely physiological contributors to libido that deserve attention and there is plenty of research around the specific role cortisol plays when things feel “off.”

In my experience, some of the most common factors also include shifts in estrogen and testosterone, long term birth control use, medications like SSRIs, thyroid health, sleep quality, chronic stress (hello again cortisol), and the very real hormonal transitions of perimenopause and menopause which seem to be better supported when a woman has less cortisol running in her system and more orgasms, which bring this cocktail:

Dopamine: Often called the “feel-good” hormone, a surge of dopamine is released in the brain to produce intense pleasure, euphoria, and a sense of reward.

Oxytocin: Known as the “love hormone,” it surges during climax to promote feelings of emotional bonding, trust, and deep attachment to a partner. It also facilitates muscle contractions during the orgasm.

Endorphins: These are your body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. They soothe the central nervous system, creating the deep sense of relaxation and well-being that follows an orgasm.

Prolactin: Released in both men and women, prolactin levels spike immediately after an orgasm. It is associated with the post-orgasmic refractory period and feelings of deep satisfaction or drowsiness.

Serotonin: Acts as the “brakes” leading up to an orgasm and floods the brain afterward. It plays a major role in the post-orgasmic relaxation and drowsiness.

Norepinephrine: An excitatory neurotransmitter that surges alongside dopamine, heightening energy, focus, and heart rate during peak sexual activity.

Even when hormones are “optimized,” many women still feel disconnected from desire. Why is this?

Because hormones support the system. They don’t override conditioning, automatically repair emotional disconnection.

Nor do they resolve resentment — which I hope by now you understand how much it hijacks our systems.

And they certainly don’t magically teach a body how to feel safe and secure, surrendered, playful, or erotically alive again.

I’m not a doctor, and I highly recommend working with someone who specializes in women’s hormonal health if this feels relevant to you.

Whether or not to pursue HRT is deeply personal. I’ve seen women have beautiful success both with it as well as without it.

But here’s the common denominator I often notice: the women who stay curious, care for their bodies and emotions and lean into more expression and connection tend to fare better.

These are the ones who remain open to pleasure, who stay connected to their sensuality, who continue learning their body instead of abandoning it because there is a dip.

Those women tend to have better outcomes than the ones who feel the dip, assume “well, I guess this is just aging,” and quietly close the door on the erotic altogether. And honestly? That door may not be as locked as you think — and this is why having conversations around all of these potential aspects are important, not just the obvious one.

How sexual conditioning affects women’s desire

From a young age, many women learn to rush through their own pleasure or disconnect from it entirely, which can lead to a lukewarm connection to libido and the erotic goodness that is possible.

If there is permission and curiosity to explore, it often becomes deeply outcome-focused:

Orgasm, performance, their partner’s satisfaction, getting it over with to get to the laundry list.

Very little attention is given to actually feeling and expanding. Next to no education is given to young girls about what their bodies might genuinely enjoy and how to savor it for themselves.

So many women learn to live from the neck up, thinking about pleasure rather than deeply inhabiting it.

Over time, this creates what I often describe as limited pleasure pathways. The body becomes conditioned over time to respond in very specific ways — or sometimes not at all. And this matters because everything we repeatedly do teaches the body how to experience pleasure. A pathway or routine is learned and wired in over time.

If pleasure has mostly been rushed, goal-oriented, genital-focused, or disconnected from full-body sensation, it makes perfect sense that other parts of the body may feel offline or underutilized.

The body responds to what it practices. But here is the good news: you can teach your body new things. New rhythms, new pathways, new possibilities.

It is entirely possible to move from a limited experience of your own pleasure into something more expansive, connected, juicy, and deeply fulfilling.

Every interaction with your body — and with a partner — is an opportunity to learn something new and to become more acquainted with what actually feels nourishing to you, independent of what comes from the outside.

So if you’ve always rushed through self-pleasure, try slowing it all the way down.

If vibrators are your go-to, perhaps experiment with subtler touch for a while — bringing sensation to the rest of the body rather than focusing solely on the destination. I like to think of it as having more range.

What happens when pleasure gets to be less about performance… and more about feeling, and flooding your body with all the good chemicals that actually benefit your system, countering cortisol life?

A few ways to start moving in the right direction

1. Get curious about your hormones. Work with someone who specializes in women’s hormonal health and has real experience supporting women through libido shifts, perimenopause, and menopause. Take inventory of the consistent cortisol spikes in your life and minimize them as best as you can — this does in fact impact the perimenopause experience greatly.
2. Don’t underestimate the power of repair and clearing conversations. Never underestimate what can soften, open, and shift after a good conversation. Is there baggage, resentment, hurt, or disappointment sitting quietly inside your relationship that’s waiting to be addressed?
3. Stop going along with intimacy that doesn’t actually work for you. Experiment with asking for different pacing, different touch, more presence, more playfulness, more emotional connection — or even something entirely new.
4. Explore your own body with curiosity instead of judgment. Pleasure is a skill, and like most skills, it evolves through practice. Give yourself permission to learn.
5. Stay open to possibility. Desire changes throughout weeks, months, years and life. It ebbs. It expands. It transforms. But “different” doesn’t necessarily mean worse.

Sometimes, it simply means your body is asking for a new conversation.

Because low libido isn’t always about wanting more sex.

Sometimes it’s about creating the conditions where desire can return — when cortisol is tended to, resentments are cleared, and the body finally feels safe enough to remember what it’s capable of.

Where to go from here

If any of this resonated, working with a practitioner who specialises in women’s sexuality and desire can be one of the most direct routes forward. Not because something is wrong with you, but because having skilled, experienced support makes the process faster, clearer, and a lot less lonely.

Sensuali connects you with verified intimacy coaches, somatic practitioners, and sexuality educators who work specifically with women navigating low desire, disconnection, and everything in between. Whether you’re looking for one-to-one coaching, a workshop, or simply want to understand your options, you can browse practitioners and find someone whose approach feels right for you.

Explore women’s intimacy support on Sensuali.

Melissa D

Author

Melissa D. is a Certified Somatic Sex Educator, Clinical Hypnotherapist, hands-on Intimacy Coach, and the provocateur behind BodyJoy Austin, TX. She teaches internationally with The Himeros Project and Back to the Body, guiding individuals toward a more embodied, authentic relationship with their sexuality. With a trauma-informed foundation and a playful, skillful edge, Melissa creates customized immersive experiences that help individuals and couples feel more at ease in their bodies, deeply connected, and the ability to expand their capacity for pleasure and self-expression.