So you’re thinking of livening up your marriage or long term relationship with some sexual exploration? Congratulations! You’re at the start of a journey which will teach you lots about yourselves as individuals, and as a couple. Along with nerves and excitement you probably have some concerns. That’s natural. But putting some advance thought and planning into what’s ahead will help set you up for success. The fact you’re reading this article already suggests you have the right mindset to make this work!
As a sex coach I have helped many couples navigate new experiences. Here are my top tips for healthy, happy, mutually beneficial explorations.
You are separate beings
Recognise that you are separate sexual beings. Acknowledging this can be scary when you feel like you’ve melded into one person over the years, with the emotional comfort that brings. But passion sparks when you feel separate. Imagine you’re connected by an elastic
band. You need to move away from each other for the band to stretch, to create a pull back towards each other.
You can start gently. You know when you’re out and you spot your partner across the room, or maybe you’re watching them working, or doing something they are absorbed in – you observe them and feel love, passion, attraction… That’s happening because of the separation in that moment. Focus on those feelings and appreciate them.
That’s what we’re looking to carefully nurture, sexually. You’ll each have your own curiosities and interests and won’t line up on everything – and that’s ok. Or even if you’re on exactly the same page – such as “we both want a one-off threesome with another woman” – the experience is likely to highlight your separateness from each other. Value that rather than feel threatened by that. It’s key to bringing back a spark.
Communication is everything
You need great communication when you’re embarking on exploring sexually. Start practising healthy, honest communication in all aspects of the relationship. It will be the foundation of your journey. Especially, start practising your “no” and your “I’m not sure, can we talk more about this?”. It’s essential that you each feel able to speak up if you don’t feel right about something in a new sexual experience – even at the last moment. Only if you can both say no, can you fully say yes.
In a long term relationship it may have become autopilot to put the others’ needs first or to agree with things you’re not entirely happy to make life feel easier. Start to check in with yourselves more honestly and say how you are really feeling. This practice handled with
patience and empathy from both sides, can revolutionised your relationship happiness overall.
If you’re not used to talking about sex and saying those words out loud, start! You could read each other erotic fiction, or Gillian Anderson’s wonderful recent book, Want, made up of hundreds of true, anonymous sexual fantasies from women around the world. Get used to hearing sexual explicit words from each other.
You can also consider working with a sex coach who caters to couples to discuss what you want. You’ll find my profile as a coach and plenty others too on Sensuali. Have discovery calls with a few coaches and see who you feel more comfortable with.
Educate yourselves
Maybe you’re clear on what you want to experience or maybe you’re just generally curious… Either way, get educated. There are workshops, books, podcasts, online courses on everything from Shibari rope bandage to pegging to threesomes. Get stuck in to education on Sensuali – watch together, learn together and discuss. Typically explorations go wrong when people jump in without taking the time to learn a bit first.
Dip your toes in to your areas of interest. There’s no need to rush! You can always do more later, but you can’t take back what is done.
Curious about inviting another person into your sex life? Role-play someone else being in the bedroom and make it seem more real with blindfolds, sex toys, even scents that are unfamiliar.
Interested in bondage? Start with ties made of soft toilet paper that could be easily broken. Pegging seeming appealing? Start slow and safe with anal play with fingers and small butt plugs.
Want to go to an orgy? Watch orgy scenes in ethical porn. At every step, discuss how you’re feeling.
Play nicely with others
If you’re curious about sex parties, swinging and threesomes you’re not alone. Multi-partner sex is the most common sexual fantasy of all.
If you’ve never had another person/people involved in your sex life together, try going to a strip club and having a lap dance together, or an online date with a webcam performer. Or book a sensual couples massage or a couples retreat through Sensuali.
Browse providers offering couples sensual experiences.
For a three way experience, consider booking a professional, at least for the first time. You can choose someone together who is experienced in holding space for new couples. With a professional you can be very explicit about what you do and don’t want, and take your time.
Of course you will be behaving with care and respect towards them, but the concerns over their personal pleasure are different to with a non-professional. For example, you might feel more comfortable calling a halt to it all if it doesn’t feel right, without worrying about ‘hurting their feelings.’ Read more on what to expect when meeting a companion.
If you are neurodivergent, booking a professional may allow for a more predictable and controlled experience, which may suit you better: where, when and what happens can all be discussed beforehand.
Be respectful of others you interact with. If you’re not booking a pro, be aware of ‘couples privilege’. Make sure everyone in an interaction is getting pleasure from it, and you are not just using the other body/bodies for your pleasure as a couple.
Apply to yourselves the standards you apply to others. Want them to have STI tests (strongly recommended)? Then you two have them as well. Saying “We’ve been together ages and haven’t played with anyone else, so we don’t need to” is not ok.
Getting kinky?
Kink is another big area of interest. In kink it’s not assumed that there’s partner swapping or swinging, so if you’re not keen on that, in kink you can be in a very sexual environment with others without any perceived pressure. Within the world of kink there is so much to explore and to learn, and a community who are keen to help.
Set aside a few hours to browse through the variety of professionals offering BDSM and Kink experiences on Sensuali and prepare to have your horizons widened!
Playing with different power dynamics between yourselves can be fascinating and super-hot way to explore, without yet involving a third party.
Or get a session with a professional Dom or Domme – there are Domination listings on Sensuali from professional around the world. This could be for one of you to observe and learn from, if one of you is clearly Dom/me; or for you both to experience together if you think you are sub or switch. Look for established and well reviewed dungeons and professionals.
Prioritise connection and aftercare
Whatever you decide to explore, be sure to build in connection time afterwards. Don’t go to have a new experience when you have to be apart the next day. If your interest is in deepening your connection and growing together as a couple, your honest discussions about how you felt about what happened are almost more important than the experience itself. This is where you develop deeper intimacy than you’ve ever had before. Have a dedicated check-in a week or so afterwards too, especially if one of you is neurodivergent or a ‘slow processor’.
In summary
You could be about to embark on the most sexually exciting time of your lives! Exploring alongside a trusted partner can boost confidence, and it’s wonderful to have someone who’s got our back and with whom we can discuss experiences in depth. Go slow, communicate, be respectful of others… and most of all, enjoy.
Discover more about sex coach, Ruth Ramsay.
More guides by Ruth: A sex coach’s guide to navigating new sexual experiences.
Ruth Ramsay
Ruth is an adult sex educator and coach, UK Erotic Award winner, TEDx speaker and erotic expert. She coaches clients 1-2-1, runs an online course The Passion8 Programme four times a year, and regular online workshops with titles such as ‘Your First Sex Party’ and ‘Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies’.
