Have you and your partner recently considered opening up your relationship, or have you started the journey and things haven’t gone how you thought they would?
While opening up your relationship might seem simple, it requires many moving parts. From exploring your why, having honest and frequent communication, navigating wants, expectations, and hard no’s to constantly fine-tuning what works.
Niki D, a therapist specialising in relationship dynamics, has developed a 7-stage model to help couples navigate this transition in a way that encourages people to acknowledge and work through the blind spots. The beautiful thing about it is its fluidity. If you need to move through these steps in your own way, that’s perfect! Or you can even use it as a stepping stone, not moving on to the next step until you both feel confident you’re on the same page as the current one.
Below, we will explore these stages and how you can use them to guide your journey into consensual non-monogamy.
Stage one: Imagining
Before taking any steps, it’s important to reflect on why you want to open up the relationship and whether it is for the right reasons for both of you. For example, are you seeking new experiences or looking to explore desires? This stage is about curiosity, self-awareness, questions, and the ability to freely express and envision what an open relationship might look like for you and your partner.
Stage two: Discussing
Once you’ve given yourself space to explore your feelings, the next step is to open the conversation with your partner. Remember, this isn’t a one-time discussion but an ongoing, evolving and essential conversation that needs care and attention. Try to approach it with openness, honesty, and a willingness to listen and understand each other and your different wants and needs. This stage is crucial for setting a foundation of trust and how comfortable you both feel asking direct questions about your relationship.
Stage three: Contracting
Once both of you are on board and you can move on from the discussion stage, it’s time to establish agreements. What are your boundaries? What types of connections are acceptable? How will you handle communication and check-ins, when will they happen, and where will they occur? This stage is essential for ensuring you both are on the same page, things like time spent together and other people, what you are both going to share or feel you need to share about your other interactions and navigating when feelings of jealousy or triggering situations arise.
Stage four: Experimenting
With agreements in place, you can begin exploring non-monogamy in a way that feels comfortable for you and your partner. Remember, there is no set way opening up your relationship should look or be; it’s unique and happens in whatever shape or form you want it to take. Whether that means dating others, attending events, or simply broadening conversations, this stage is about dipping your toes in the water and seeing how things feel in practice. If things don’t feel right, returning to stages three, two, and even one is okay.
Stage five: Fine-Tuning
No relationship structure is perfect from the start, and as you start to experiment, some emotions and feelings may arise (or they might not). This is typically the stage where you will find that certain boundaries need adjusting or reassessing, and these mustn’t be brushed under the carpet. This stage is about refining your agreements based on real-life experiences or even things that you feel you haven’t yet had a chance to explore. The key is to keep communication open, schedule regular check-in, and be willing to make changes where needed.
Stage six: Checking-In
We all know by now that communication is the lubrication to any relationship, so regular check-ins are key to maintaining a healthy, open relationship. Ask yourselves if both partners are still comfortable. Do any feelings of insecurity or jealousy need to be addressed? Is this something you both are enjoying? Do you feel heard when you bring your concerns to check-ins?
Stage seven: Stabilising
Over time, you’ll reach a point of stability where your open relationship feels more integrated into your life, and both have ways to ensure it works for you. There may still be adjustments along the way, but you’ll have developed a sense of trust, confidence, and clarity in your relationship dynamics and know how to continue evolving together and with others and how to navigate the difficulties that arise. Opening up a relationship isn’t a one-size-fits-all process, and it requires continuous effort, honesty, and self-reflection, so don’t be afraid if you need to revisit these stages. It’s a part of the beautiful journey you are committed to working on together.
(The 7-stage model to co-creating an open relationship was created by Niki D)
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April Maria
April Maria is a qualified sex educator, sex and relationships coach and training psychosexual and relationships therapist. For the last four years, April has been working in the field of sex education, sex tech and pleasure, endometriosis awareness and helping others when it comes to sexual wellness, intimacy, dating and relationships.
