I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and can’t orgasm even though sex feels good and I enjoy it. What can I do?

I wish there were a generic answer to your question. I would love to be of help to you. I would need to know more about you, your partner, both of your sexual histories, and your relationship. There can be any number of reasons for your difficulty.

Take time to masturbate and learn your body. What you need to relax and release. Do this for awhile and then talk about it.. maybe show the person... have some fun with it. But also 2 years is a long time for them not to spend the time learning and exploring to figure it out. I'm guessing hetero normative he orgasms and you don't. Its important to also say what you want and like and be clear on your enjoyment being as important (more so, at this point). Also learning about pleasure. Women take a long build up. He needs to focus on pleasure, not release.

Each situation is unique of course, but it might be just a case of habit. If you got used to certain stimulation or sequense of touch to reach an orgasm it might not work the same way with a partner/new partner. If you haven't discussed what you particularly like for arousal buildup and orgasm, might be a good time to discuss and experiment. But if you reach orgasm on your own and enjoy sex, than it means everything is working. Just need to focus on more ways to receive pleasure, and figure out specific touch, stimulation, intensity, angles, pressure that bring you orgasm during partnered sex.

In my experience working with women, the more you fixate on orgasm, the harder it is to reach. Often, partners in relationships struggle to shift into the parasympathetic nervous system—remaining stuck in a "fight, flight, or freeze" state where climax becomes physically inaccessible. Another critical factor is partner presence: if arousal isn’t gradually and attentively cultivated, pleasure stalls.

When working with clients, I begin by taking orgasm completely off the table. If it happens, wonderful, but we never chase it. My priority is establishing deep safety and trust, while my dynamic with clients differs from a committed relationship, the core principle remains identical. Without a genuine sense of safety, release cannot occur. In our two-hour sessions, I pace arousal deliberately, rarely approaching the vulva during the first 45 to 60 minutes. This patience allows trust to solidify and natural arousal to build uninterrupted.

Do you have an idea as to what is the challenge for you? Are you able to reach an orgasm while self pleasuring? With different partners in the past?

There could be many reasons why an orgasm would be hard to reach, I would invite you to dive deeper into yourself and what may the challenge for you.

In my sessions, I often suggest setting aside end-goals and focusing on being present, what feels good ( or not ) and practicing open and honest communication. Funnily enough, often letting of the orgasm as a goal takes away pressure and performance, which in turn makes reaching an orgasm more accessible.

Hi there! I am a professional Dominatrix in Amsterdam, which means I am a fantasy fulfiller. Many of my clients have blocks to orgasming, and I work with them to experience pleasure. And, as a woman, as a queer woman with play experience with all genders, I have some ideas for you to explore. I would be happy to do a video call or meeting with you to go into depth.  For many people, toys are incredibly helpful and can be super fun for couple play. My number one advice is to get a vibrator with a long handle for clitoral stimulation to enjoy while having intercourse. The long handle offers more options and accessibility. See the magic wand vibrators. On a call, the first thing I would ask would be about whether you achieve orgasm in solo play. If you are not solo playing, we would chat about that too. We would discuss your history and ascertain whether a medical check in is a good idea. Are there trauma blocks? We can discuss what is the intimacy like for you and if there can be changes in technique. We can look at paths to introducing kink play, new toys, fantasies, and so on with your partner. And, I want you to know you are not alone, many people are not having orgasms. Sex and pleasure is unique to everyone and can take time to develop. With compassion - Jezebel

The first thing I would say is that enjoying sex without reaching orgasm does not mean there is anything wrong with you, or that your relationship is failing. Pleasure and orgasm are connected, but they are not the same thing. You can love your partner, feel attracted to them and enjoy intimacy while still finding climax elusive.

A useful starting question is: can you orgasm when you are on your own, or have you never experienced an orgasm? If you can climax alone, understanding what works for you can help you communicate your needs during partnered intimacy. If you have never climaxed, there are ways to explore your responses without turning the experience into another test.

Difficulty reaching orgasm is often called anorgasmia. Possible contributing factors include stress, tiredness, anxiety, body image concerns, sexual shame, relationship difficulties and feeling distracted during sex. Physical factors, hormonal changes and medications can also affect your response. Often, several factors overlap. None of this means you are deliberately holding yourself back.

It is also important to understand that most women need direct or indirect clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. Penetration alone may feel lovely without providing the stimulation your body needs. More time, a different kind of touch and clearer communication may make a substantial difference.

Try taking orgasm off the agenda occasionally. Explore pleasurable touch without a deadline, and show your partner what you enjoy rather than expecting them to guess. If something feels good, you are allowed to ask for it to continue. A vibrator can also be a useful aid, alone or together.

At Intimacy Matters, I offer a female Psychosensual Treatment for women experiencing orgasm difficulties, anxiety or a lack of sexual fulfilment. This combines conversation about your experiences and concerns with individually agreed sensual bodywork. The purpose is to explore both your understanding of pleasure and your physical responses, at a pace that feels comfortable for you.

Sensual massage may help some women by providing unhurried attention, reducing the expectation to perform and creating space to notice pleasurable sensations. Where specifically requested and consented to, intimate techniques can include external clitoral stimulation, with pressure, rhythm and duration adapted to your feedback. The aim is to discover what suits your body, rather than apply a standard formula.

However, practitioner-delivered erotic massage is not an established medical cure for anorgasmia, and orgasm cannot be guaranteed. Consent is ongoing: you decide which areas may be touched, can change your mind at any point and can stop the session. Intimate touch is always optional.

There is also value in helping your partner develop their skills. For male partners, my Massage My Woman courses teach sensual massage, communication and ways to build arousal through attentive touch. Learning to slow down, respond to feedback and understand individual preferences can help make intimacy more satisfying for both of you. Couples can also explore learning together.

I’m Colin Richards, founder of Intimacy Matters, practising since 2005. My work has received over 300 five-star reviews and featured on Channel 5’s The Sex Business. Reviews describe individual experiences; they cannot predict your treatment outcome.

If this difficulty is new, or comes with pain, numbness or medication changes, speak to your GP. A qualified psychosexual therapist can also help you explore persistent concerns.

You can read about the female Psychosensual Treatment⁠ or contact me through Intimacy Matters⁠ to discuss your situation privately. The starting point is understanding your experience, your wishes and what support feels right for you.

First thing I would ask you two questions: have you ever orgasmed before? And are you able to orgasm now when you masturbate?

This is incredibly common, and you are definitely not alone!

It's awesome that sex already feels good and that you enjoy it, that means you have a great foundation of pleasure, connection, and arousal to work with.

To help navigate this, exploring your body solo is a fantastic first step. Here is a guide on how to approach your route to pleasure, what to know about different types of stimulation, and how to eventually bridge that gap with your partner.

1. Take the pressure off

When we fixate heavily on the climax itself, our brains can trigger a mild "performance anxiety" that keeps us in our heads. This mental tension physically blocks the body from relaxing enough to get over the edge. Try to focus entirely on how good the sensations feel in the moment rather than looking for a specific finish line.

2. Establish a solo practice

Learning what your body needs when you are completely alone, without worrying about a partner's timing, reactions or expectations is a game-changer.

• Get curious: Use a mirror to get comfortable looking at your own anatomy. • Mix up your touch: Try varying the speed, pressure, and rhythm of your hands. • Try a tool: If manual touch isn't doing it, a high-quality vibrator can provide the consistent, intense stimulation needed to help your body learn what a climax feels like.

3. Understanding the "routes" to pleasure

While people often talk about clitoral, vaginal, and cervical orgasms, it helps to understand how they differ so you can explore them:

• Clitoral Stimulation: This is the primary pathway to orgasm for the vast majority of women. In fact, only about 25–30% of women can climax from penetration alone.

The clitoral network has thousands of nerve endings and actually extends deeply inside around the vaginal wall. Direct, external stimulation (manual, oral, or with a toy) is usually the most reliable route.

• Internal (Vaginal/G-Spot) Stimulation: This involves stimulating the front wall of the vagina (a few inches inside), which indirectly targets the internal structures of the clitoris. It often feels like a deeper, more full-body sensation.

• Cervical Stimulation: This involves deep penetration reaching the cervix. For some, it can create an intense release, though for others, direct pressure on the cervix can feel uncomfortable or painful. Just make sure you are highly aroused and well-lubricated before exploring deeper internal sensations.

4. Bringing it back to partnered sex

Once you discover what works for you solo, you can introduce those elements into your shared sex life:

• Communicate your map: Talk to your partner about what you enjoy. Let them know that not reaching climax isn't a reflection of their skills or your attraction to them. • Incorporate clitoral touch during penetration: Use your own hand, your partner’s hand, or a couple's vibrator to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse. • Touch yourself together: Try self-pleasuring alongside your partner, or let them watch you so they can learn exactly what rhythm and pressure you prefer.

A quick health note: If you find that you can climax solo but not with a partner, it is purely situational and usually comes down to technique, communication, or mental relaxation. However, if you find you cannot climax at all (even solo), it might be worth reviewing any medications you take (like certain antidepressants) or speaking with a doctor or sex therapist to rule out underlying hormonal or physical factors.

Be patient and kind to yourself, exploring your own pleasure can be an incredibly fun and rewarding journey!

It is very common to enjoy sex, feel deeply connected to a partner, and still struggle to reach orgasm—especially during partnered sex. Because you already enjoy the physical sensations and emotional intimacy, you are starting from a great foundation. Breaking through this plateau usually comes down to shifting focus from "performing" to exploring what your specific anatomy and nervous system need to let go. 1. Identify Your Solo Baseline If you haven't already, explore what works on your own without the pressure of another person in the room. Can you orgasm through masturbation? If yes, pay close attention to the exact type of pressure, speed, rhythm, and angle you use, as well as the fantasies or mental focus that help you build arousal. If not yet: Spend time experimenting alone with different types of touch, lubrication, and vibrators (such as a wand or clitoral suction toy) to map out your body's specific triggers before trying to replicate them with a partner. 2. Bridge the "Stimulation Gap" Most people—particularly women and vulva-owners—do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone; consistent, direct clitoral stimulation is usually required. Bring hands or toys into partnered sex: Use your own hand, your partner's hand, or a vibrator during penetration or outercourse. Adjust your angles: Positions like coital alignment technique (CAT), side-by-side (spooning), or being on top allow you to control the depth, speed, and grinding friction against your body. 3. Drop the "Spectatoring" Habit When you’ve gone a long time without finishing, it is easy to fall into spectatoring—mentally stepping outside your body to monitor whether you are "getting close" or worrying about how long it's taking. The nervous system catch-22: Orgasm requires the parasympathetic nervous system (relaxation) to hand off to the sympathetic nervous system (arousal/climax). Anxiety, self-consciousness, or trying too hard triggers stress hormones that actively block orgasm. Take orgasm off the table: Agree with your partner to have a few sessions where climax is explicitly not the goal. Focus entirely on physical sensations (temperature, texture, breathing) rather than building toward a finish line. 4. Have a Low-Pressure Conversation Since you've been together for two years, framing this as an exciting next chapter rather than a "problem to fix" keeps things light and collaborative. Lead with reassurance: Let them know how much you love your sex life and how good they make you feel, so they don't feel insecure or defensive. Give real-time feedback: Instead of a heavy post-mortems, use simple, positive cues in the moment—like "Right there," "A little slower," or physically guiding their hand to the exact spot and pressure you like. 5. Rule Out Physical or Medical Factors If you feel completely relaxed, have plenty of direct stimulation, and still hit a wall, check in with a doctor or pelvic floor physical therapist: Medications: SSRIs (antidepressants), certain blood pressure medications, and some hormonal birth controls are notorious for blunting or delaying orgasm. Pelvic floor tension: An overly tight (hypertonic) pelvic floor can prevent the muscle contractions needed for climax, even when arousal is high.