BDSM Is Becoming Cliché
My latest sexual encounter was with an early forties CEO masquerading as a hippie in the sleepy, surf town of Puerto Escondido. Let’s call him Bret. We had a good rapport and my 6th sense told me that he was a dom daddy looking for a slutty baby to submit. Things escalated quickly after our smoothie date and about 30 minutes into knowing him, I was back at his apartment contorting my body into all sorts of weird positions, deep-throating his cock, and taking it up the ass.
All in all, it was a pretty hot hookup. We were two seasoned pros whose toned bodies synced together seamlessly. But I couldn’t deny that the whole thing felt rather performative — as if we were two porn actors adlibbing a scene. It was like Bret had a script he was following — one that revolved around him being the boss and me being his slave. He never pushed me to do anything I didn’t want to do and he made sure I was sexually satisfied. He even brought me electrolytes when I fell ill from food poisoning a couple of days later.
Yet, there was something so one-dimensional about the whole experience in a way that I think speaks to where we are as a society. Within sexually liberated circles, hookup culture has gone too far. Hardcore porn has become so pervasive that it’s started to seep over into real-life encounters. Man-whores now call themselves ethically non-monogamous, as if reframing their conquest for pussy somehow absolves them of their lack of emotional intimacy.
Bret had been in an ethically non-monogamous relationship for 5 years. He and his girlfriend had moved from the states to Mexico and broken up days before our little rendezvous. He confided to me, “She’s taking it much harder than I expected. In my mind, it’s already been over for ages.” But I couldn’t help but think that it was all going to catch up to him eventually. He can distract himself all he wants with DTF hoes like me but a 5-year relationship isn’t something you just brush off 3 days after a breakup.
While I have no regrets about the various slut phases I’ve lived through and encourage everyone to get out there and experience a wide array of sexual experiences with a wide array of people at some point in their lives, I’m personally a little turned off by all these sex addicted men out here cosplaying as Christian Grey.
There have been times, particularly in my sugaring era, when nothing got me wetter than some man using me for his pleasure. But these days, I yearn for something more intimate. I’m definitely still a sub but I want a lover who is in touch not just with his sexuality, but his sensuality. The kind of guy who is committed to the build-up, not the one tying me up and shoving his dick up my ass 5 minutes into our first hookup.
What I’m looking for is sensual dominance — a type of domination that involves using the five senses to exert control over a partner. The dominant partner uses erotic techniques that tap into touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound, as a means of controlling their submissive partner’s bodily sensations.
Sensual dominance creates a deep connection between partners by building trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. Unlike other forms of BDSM, sensual dominance is not focused on pain or punishment but rather, on creating pleasure and exploring new sensations. Below I’ve included four easy ways to begin exploring sensual dominance with your partner:
Sensory deprivation involves limiting one or more of the senses in order to intensify the remaining ones. Examples include blindfolding your partner or having them use earplugs. This type of play can be very intense and requires a deep level of trust. If you’re the sub in this scenario, make sure you’ve clearly communicated your boundaries and expectations to your Dom. The last thing you want is to feel trapped. Agreeing on a safe word beforehand is a good way to mitigate getting in over your head.
Temperature play involves using hot or cold sensations to stimulate the body. This can include using ice, warm wax, or hot oil to create different sensations on the skin. Temperature play is a fun way to spice up your sex life, but be careful to avoid going too extreme! Nobody wants to end up in the emergency room having to explain to the doctor that their partner burned their genitalia in a sensual dominance play sesh gone wrong.
While impact play is often associated with pain and punishment, it can also be used in a sensual way. Light spanking or flogging can be used to create a pleasurable sensation and enhance the senses. The end goal here is for the submissive partner to experience different sensations — from tickling to light scratching and more. As with any BDSM activity, it’s important to start slowly and build up gradually to avoid physical and/or mental harm.
A personal favorite of mine, massage can be a great way to incorporate sensual dominance into your play. By using different techniques and pressures, the dominant partner can guide the submissive partner through an experience that’s both relaxing and erotic. You can incorporate massage oils or lotions to enhance the sensation and create a more sensual experience. To help your submissive partner reach an extra meditative state, put a few drops of lavender essential oil on the pillow.
Shifting Sexual Gears on a Societal Level
Hardcore BDSM has its time and place. On some level, I think a lot of modern women who have more independence than ever before have found themselves overcome by a primal urge to be dominated by men in the bedroom. I for sure think that’s part of what drove me to explore a deeply submissive side of myself. But I also can’t deny the more sinister, less feminist-leaning forces at play. With the porn market becoming increasingly saturated, more and more extreme scenarios are being filmed and distributed to garner clicks.
These graphic and oftentimes demeaning videos are effectively serving as sex education for 11 and 12-year-old boys. Pair that with the societal backlash against 21st century feminist gains aka the red pill movement, and it doesn’t become such a far-fetched notion to believe that a large portion of men claiming to be seasoned Doms are really just angry dudes directing their frustrations towards women through violent albeit consensual sexual encounters.
COVID pushed a lot of people over the edge. With social media addiction on the rise, a world war on the horizon, and global warming threatening our way of life, mankind is in serious crisis. I think it’s time the collective consciousness switches gears from pain-focused BDSM to sensual dominance. We are broken and we need healing.
The rape fantasy era was a necessary reaction to a deeply repressed society in need of sexual liberation. But now, given the fragile state of the world, I think we would be better served opting for something a bit more gentle. Let’s get back in touch with our humanity before the robots take over. Let’s embrace sensual dominance as the happy medium between vanilla sex and extreme kink. Less objectification, more intimacy.